


(je me raconte) une vraie histoire

by LtTanyaBoone



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Autism Spectrum, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Sex Work, le passé devant nous AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 03:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 37,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17154833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: "This, this was all her fault. She’d known, known that she wasn’t good with children. Known that she didn’t want to be around them. And now everything was in ruins once again, and it all was her fault and hers alone. She never should have kissed the other woman, never should have slept with her, never should have acted like there was any kind of chance at a relationship between them. She’d been reckless and stupid and such an idiot, and now two wonderful people were suffering, because of her, and it was all only her fault."or:Delphine is an escort with a past she's trying hard to forget, but finds herself drawn to her new messy and loud neighbor, even if the other woman infuriates her at first.(aka the le passé devant nous AU no one asked for)





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> warnings first:  
>  **trigger/content warnings** for: child abandonment, sex work, mental health issues (depression mostly and all the stuff that comes with that), unhealthy coping strategies, Autism Spectrum Disorder (Charlotte is Autistic in this), sexual assault/violence against women, foster care
> 
> this is a sort of "Le Passé Devant Nous" AU, bc apparently, i love torturing Delphine? seriously though, being in her head in this got kind of dark, at times, so if you are sensitive to struggles with depression and self-worth issues, maybe skip this, or at least be careful
> 
> bc of the length of this, and the fact that it is not on the prompt list, i didn't want to put it with the prompts
> 
> Merry Shitscram!

_There’s nothing here but the distance  
_ _There’s nothing here but the mess_

_And how does it feel to be on the fault-line?_  
_And how do we heal now we’re on the decline?_  
_Cause it’s a hell of a long way to fall just to learn to get up  
_ _And I’m not gonna forgive you for all of the things that you’ve done_

_~ The Naked and Famous, "The Mess"_

* * *

Something woke her. Delphine’s nose twitched and she reached up to brush her hair out of her face. Inhaled loudly and then closed her eyes again, thinking that that had been it. Her hair tickling her nose. Now that that was taken care of, she was free to fall right back asleep.

The blonde let out a soft sigh and melted back into the mattress. Closed her eyes and felt sleep tug on her again. She was almost asleep again, when she heard voices in the hallway. A key in a lock, a door being opened, and then closed.

Her brows twitched, but she resisted the urge to sit up. Instead decided that staying in bed was much better. Inhaled and exhaled, ready for sleep to claim her again. At which point, three things happened in short succession.

One, the apartment next door turned on their TV, the volume nearly deafening, even in Delphine’s apartment.

Two, a child started screeching at the top of their voice, followed by a loud crash.

Three, Delphine jolted from her place in bed, got tangled in her sheets and fell to the floor with an undignified yelp.

Her left hand was throbbing, and so was her head as the blonde sat up, her curls an absolute mess. She shook her head and reached up with her good hand, to brush her hair from her face. Untangled herself from the mess of sheets and went to the kitchen, to grab herself an ice pack from the freezer, before she went next door.

She rang the bell, but judging from the fact that the TV was still blaring and she could still hear the child scream, she figured that the bell would probably be drowned out by other sounds. So she reached up and started hammering on the door, her anger demanding that she speak to whoever was responsible for her literally falling out of bed.

“What the everloving f-” the voice of a woman hit her moments before the door was yanked open and Delphine blinked at the small creature standing in front of her.

“Fudgesicle,” the brunette with the dreads and cat eyes and thick-rimmed glasses said before arching an eyebrow and then holding up a hand.

“One sec,” she groaned and disappeared into her apartment. Delphine resisted the urge to reach up and cover her ears, a headache building already. She wasn’t sure if it was because she’d hit her head, falling so gracelessly from her bed, or because of the noise at this ungodly hour. Probably a combination of both, to be honest.

The blonde let out a sigh and shook her head. The complex manager hadn’t told her that someone was moving in next door. If they had, she would have started looking, for another place. Especially when it was mentioned that the new occupant was bringing a kid.

Delphine reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose, pulling a face at the wet coldness of her hand. At least it was no longer throbbing in pain. The ice pack was helping.

The TV shut off suddenly, and the wailing almost stopped, as well. It got a lot quieter. More like, soft crying, than the pretty good impression of a fire alarm.

And then the dreadlocked brunette was back, looking up at Delphine. And then down her body, her eyebrows rising before her lips tugged into a rather amused grin. Delphine frowned and looked down at herself, her eyes widening when she realized that she’d forgotten to put on pants. She was standing there, in front of a stranger’s door, dressed only in her oversized sleep shirt and panties.

“I take it that little siren woke you up?” the brunette asked, her tongue poking at the back of her teeth, and Delphine felt molten heat settle in the bit of her stomach. She blinked in surprise at the sensation.

_Oh no. Hell no._

The tall blonde gave a resolute shake of her head, reminding her body that right now was not playtime. Right now was angry yelling time.

“I would not call it little,” she said, her voice cracking. She had to clear her throat, biting back a groan. Even if her glare may have been murderous and making the brunette uncomfortable - rightfully so, Delphine thought - she was undermining it by losing her voice. And now she could feel a yawn work its way up, demanding to be let out.

“Do you have any idea, what time it is?” she added, before her body could betray her further.

The brunette cocked her head and checked the watch around her wrist.

“Almost half past ten,” she declares, allowing her eyes to travel over Delphine’s body again, an eyebrow cocking with amusement. “We’re sorry, for the, rude awakening,” she added. “We just moved in, and Charlie… Loud noises aren’t good,” she shrugged. “She sat on the remote and gave herself a fright.”

“Wonderful,” Delphine shook her head. “Just, keep it down, yes? I, work nights,” she told the other woman, her tone biting. “I need sleep.”

“Yeah, sorry,” the woman nodded. Watched her, for a moment. “Do you, wanna come in? I was making coffee-”

“I don’t drink coffee,” Delphine bit at her and let out a loud exhale through her nose. “Just, keep it down,” she shook her head and turned around, stalking off in the direction of her own apartment door. Which, once she was inside, she slammed shut behind herself, her anger still coiling in her stomach.

Fantastic. Not even eleven, and she was already wide awake. Too awake to go back to sleep.

* * *

Like clockwork. Every morning, since That Woman moved in, Delphine was treated to the sounds of an absolute tantrum at precisely ten fifteen in the morning.

It always started with slightly raised voices. Then there was some dull thudding. A short shriek. More thudding. And then the wailing. Sometimes, there was a raised voice of an adult, as well, but most of the time, only the wailing and the stomping and the sounds of what Delphine assumed were things being thrown.

It lasted between ten minutes and almost an hour. Every. Single. Day.

The blonde stared at the ceiling, counting silently in her head.

“Nineteen,” she declared out loud at the sound of something hitting the wall. Ah yes, fresh shrieking. Marvelous.

The blonde let out a huff and threw her blanket back. Sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. When she let them fall away, she caught sight of her bare legs, and flinched.

There as a small bruise, on the left shin. Which was not that bad, she decided as she pulled her leg up, inspecting it. She could cover that up. As long as she didn’t go under the shower with her clients, or into a tub, it would be fine.

The problem, she thought, were the four purple marks on her right thigh. She reached down and carefully placed her hand on her thigh, the pads of her index, middle and ring finger, as well as her pinky, coming to rest on the marks. They were bigger than her own fingers, but then again, the guy had had big hands. Skilled hands, too, she couldn’t complain about that. But this, this was, an issue,

She let out a deep sigh and fell back into her pillows. Closed her eyes again and inhaled loudly.

Next door, the tantrum went into the second round, this time with some impressive stomping.

She needed to call Jackie. Let her know that she had to take her off the roster, and that she would no longer be serving that particular guy, as well. Which was kind of sad. He tended to tip generously, plus he never had hurt her before. And really, last night, that hadn’t hurt, per se. He’d just, gotten carried away, and she’d been too distracted by the hunger with which he’d kissed her to remind him not to leave any marks. There weren’t many rules, but that was one of the deal-breakers, for Jackie. You damage the merchandise, you get booted.

Her doorbell ringing made her sit bolt upright, her heart racing in her chest. Delphine slowly slipped out of bed, grabbing a pair of pants from the floor on her way over to the door. She was almost there when the bell rang again, making her jump. Next door, the child was screeching, voice going higher and higher. She wondered, for a moment, if the kid would be able to leave the range of human hearing if they kept going. If they could actually turn their voice into a sort of dog whistle.

The woman shook her head and drew a deep breath. Leaned against the door and checked the peephole, her heart hammering in her chest at the fear that a client had figured out where she lived.

But right there, outside her door, wasn’t a client. It was her cursed neighbor, the one with the dreads and cat eyes.

Delphine drew a deep breath and reached up to pull the chain back and then opened the door. Found the woman on the other side wearing a black shirt, patterned cardigan and soft, wide pants. She was barefoot, Delphine noted with some surprise. She wouldn’t be caught dead without shoes in this hallway. Who knew what might be on the floor. Well, okay, they had a weekly cleaning service that mopped the hallways of the building, and the only people living on this floor were Delphine and her new demonic neighbors, but still.

“Oh, good,” the brunette said as she saw her Delphine. “I thought you might have started wearing like, ear plugs, or something,” she muttered and Delphine lifted an eyebrow at her.

“Perhaps I should,” she remarked, tilting her head in the direction of the other apartment. With her door open, she could hear the kid’s wailing carry down the hallway, as well. Impressive, really.

“Do you, by any chance, have non-dairy milk?” the brunette asked, giving Delphine a pleading look. The blonde’s brows furrowing.

“Milk?” she repeated rather stupidly. “Lady, your kid is screaming bloody murder, and you are asking me for milk?” Some people really had very strange priorities, Delphine thought. If that were her, she’d be mortified, talking to the neighbors while her child was raging on inside her apartment.

“Charlie gets cocoa every morning,” the brunette shook her head, her dreads moving with the gesture. “But I was stupid, I forgot to buy milk last night, and now we’re out, and there’s no cocoa… Almond milk? Soy milk? Rice? Anything?” she asked, pleading. “I will give you a hundred dollars.”

At that, Delphine felt her eyebrows shoot up.

“Do you even have a hundred dollars?” she asks. To her surprise, the brunette’s eyes widened and she patted her back pockets.

“Not on me, no,” she admitted with a sigh. Delphine drew a slow breath, flinching at a crash from next door.

“I don’t think I have non-dairy,” she said. “Why don’t you, go back to your kid? I’ll check, and if I find something, I’ll stop by,” she offered, not entirely sure why she was even willing to have a look. Unless Regina, her housekeeper, bought non-dairy on accident, she knew there was none in her apartment. She wasn’t lactose intolerant or vegan. To be honest, she actually preferred dairy milk, for her coffee.

She watched as the brunette deflated and closed her mouth, jaw working, before she gave a curt nod and retreated back to her own home. Delphine closed the door with a shake of her head and ran a hand through her hair, making her way to the kitchen and pantry, searching for a carton that did not look familiar.

Five minutes later, she found herself in front of her neighbor’s door, a carton of almond milk in her hand that was just about to expire. Delphine hesitated, before raising her hand to knock.

It was eerily quiet, on the floor. Just as suddenly as the tantrums started, they always ended. She hadn’t even noticed the absence of the shrieking, until she’d opened her own door, and was greeted by silence.

“Yeah?” her neighbor frowned as she opened the door and Delphine wordlessly held out the carton.

“You’re a miracle!” the brunette exclaimed and jumped to hug Delphine tightly. The blonde found herself blinking in surprise, too stunned by the hug to do anything but stand there, frozen in place.

Her neighbor withdrew, a huge grin on her lips as she accepted the carton.

“And almond, too? Charlie will love you forever,” the woman declared as she stepped into her apartment, leaving the door open.

She hesitated, uncertain what she was supposed to do. Delphine wanted to run. She wanted to return to her own apartment and fix herself some breakfast and then soak in the tub for some time while reading. Usually, the end of the morning tantrum meant that things would be quiet for an hour and a half, sometimes longer than that.

But at the same time, there was this little voice, at the back of her mind, that pressed Delphine to take a step forward. To walk into this stranger’s place and at least see the monster responsible for her change in sleep schedule. The brunette was probably right, Delphine ought to invest in some earplugs. Because getting home at nearly six and then being yanked from her sleep four hours later really was not working out, for her.

The blonde carefully pushed open the door and took a step. Paused, briefly, before she took another, and then another, and another, and then she was in the hallway of the apartment. She carefully closed the door behind herself, figuring that it probably was not a good idea, to leave it open with a small child around.

She followed the voice of her neighbor. Went down the hallway and looked around the corner, pausing at the picture in front of her. She must have stepped into the living room, the layout of this place different from her own.

There was a dining table, set with what Delphine assumed was going to be breakfast. There were two place mats, a plate with two waffles sitting on each. One of them had fruit on the plate, the other had cut up pieces of fruit in a bowl, a spoon stuck inside.

Delphine watched as her neighbor set down a mug at the place with the extra bowl, with what Delphine assumed was the cocoa.

“Coffee?” the brunette offered, picking up a French press. Delphine hesitated, before slowly shaking her head no, remembering the ‘no dairy’ think. She didn’t want almond milk in her coffee.

“Right, you don’t like coffee,” her neighbor nodded, filling her own mug and adding a splash of the milk. “Orange juice? Water?,” she tried, causing Delphine to tilt her head.

“Orange juice would be nice,” she finally said, deciding that it would be rude to keep declining. The brunette smiles and went to grab a glass, for her. Delphine paused before taking a hesitant step towards the table, her heart racing in her chest, her instincts telling her to run. She, she wasn’t good, with children. Especially not with young ones.

“Here,” her neighbor murmured as she returned, holding out a glass for Delphine. Who took it as the brunette pushed over the bottle of juice. “Let me get the culprit,” the woman grinned and disappeared again. Delphine frowned, looking down at the glass in her hands. She sighed and set it down, before opening the bottle and pouring herself a little bit of juice. She had said she would take some. If she didn’t, the other woman would probably think her rude.

Speaking of which, her neighbor returned, followed by a limping girl, who ignored Delphine in favor of going to the table and sliding into her seat.

“Uh-uh,” the woman shook her head and reached out, tapping the kid on her shoulder. Delphine frowned at the sight of headphones covering the girl’s ears. Maybe that was why she was screaming so loudly. Premature hearing loss.

“Charlie,” Delphine’s neighbor said, tilting her head. “Come on, we have a guest. What do you do, when we have a guest?”

The girl blinked, frowning at her plate of waffles.

“I say hello,” she murmured.

“That’s right,” the woman nodded, her lips tugging into a soft smile. “This is our neighbor- I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“Delphine,” she said automatically, and watched the smile widen.

“This is our neighbor Delphine. She brought over the milk for your cocoa. Can you say hello, and thank you?”

“Hello Delphine,” the girl murmured, her eyes glued to her food. “Thank you, Delphine.”

“You’re, you’re welcome,” the blonde replied, something nagging at her, something at the back of her mind had perked up, at the way the child was talking.

“Thank you, Charlie,” the girl’s mother said and reached out to touch her shoulder. Immediately, the kid drew up their shoulder, flinching.

“Sorry,” the brunette apologized, withdrawing her hand. Delphine saw her look at her, her head tilting. “Do you want to stay? For breakfast?”

“It’s Wednesday,” the girl piped up.

“Yes, it is,” her mother confirmed patiently. Delphine watched the child’s brows furrow.

“We don’t have guests on Wednesday. Abby comes over for lunch on Wednesday, and then we go to the park, after. We don’t have guests for breakfast on Wednesday. We don’t have guests for breakfast on any other day. Not on Mondays, not on Tuesdays, not on Wednesdays, not on Thursdays-”

“I get the picture,” Delphine nodded with some amusement, and saw the child’s mother wince.

“-not on Fridays, not on Saturdays and not on Sundays. Sometimes Abby stays for breakfast on Sundays, but she doesn’t come over for them. We don’t have people that only come for breakfast-”

“Charlie, breathe,” the brunette woman murmurs and crouched down next to the kid’s chair. The girl’s chest had started heaving with the intensity of her breaths. Her voice had started to rise and she’d been talking faster and faster, working herself up into quite a state.

“Delphine brought your milk, honey. It would be rude, not to invite her to stay for breakfast.”

“We don’t have guests for breakfast,” the girl repeated. “It’s Wednesday, you and I have breakfast and then we do school and then Abby comes and we make lunch and she makes me do all the things I hate doing and you promise me ice cream for dessert if I do them anyway-”

“Okay, yeah, we do that,” the woman nodded. “Can you stop, or do you have to-”

“-put away the dishes, even if I don’t want to. Abby talks to you after and I get to watch one episode of Spongebob and then we go to the park and I get to go on the slide and the trampoline, but only if there aren’t that many people around-” the girl continued, breathing quickly, nearly tripping over her words.

“Alright, that answers that,” the brunette nodded. Looked over at Delphine and gave her a soft smile.

“It’s fine,” she told her. “This, could take a while,” she added with a nod towards her daughter, who was still rattling on. She was currently going through their Wednesday afternoon routine, in rather impressive detail. Delphine swallowed thickly, confused and uncertain.

“Maybe I should…” she suggested, motioning towards the hallway.

“Yeah, I think that would be best,” the mother nodded. She gave Delphine what seemed to be an apologetic smile, and the blonde inclined her head. Swallowed and then stepped out into the hallway, before leaving the apartment. Delphine hurried down the hallway, fumbling with her key and cursing under her breath when it took her a moment to get it into the lock and open the door. Once inside her own place, Delphine threw the door shut and collapsed back against it.

She closed her eyes for a moment chest heaving as she realized just how hard she was breathing, how fast her heart was going.

Nothing had happened. Not really. She’d just met her neighbor’s kid, who had been older than she would have guessed, from the screeching every morning. She would have put her at around three, maybe four, but the girl she’d met, she seemed to be around seven or eight. Even to Delphine, someone who didn’t spend time around children, someone who had no experience with them, it was obvious that something was wrong with the girl. And not just the limp. The way she hadn’t looked at Delphine and how she’d grown so agitated at the prospect of her joining them for breakfast. How detailed her description of the pairs routine had been.

The blond reached up, pressing a hand over her hammering heart. Drew a calming breath, and then another.

It was fine. This wasn’t, wasn’t her kid. Only her neighbor’s. She didn’t have to interact with her ever again, besides a brief nod and greeting if she ever stumbled upon them in the hallway.

No harm done.

* * *

_She was nervous. Beyond nervous, really. Slowly crossing the line into panicked, actually._

_Delphine drew a deep breath and looked down at her tummy. She reached up, carefully touching her hand to her shirt before withdrawing it quickly. Looked up in favor of casting a glance around the exam room, her brows dipping as she tried not to think about the reason she was here._

_Bastian would be happy._

_The thought kept coming to her, unbidden. When she’d realized that she’d missed her period this month, she’d stared at her calendar, dread pooling in the pit of her stomach. And then she’d thought, Bastian would be happy. He’d be excited to hear that. So, when he got home that night, she’d told him. Hadn’t been able to look at him, as she said it, and had heard the soft laugh and then he’d touched her neck so gently and wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her and told her, how much he loved her. He had been happy._

_He’d also been happy at the sight of the second pink line. And at the sight of the pink plus on the other test. They’d both made the bile rise up in her throat and Delphine had drawn a shaky breath and pressed her hand over her mouth in an attempt to fight the nausea down. He’d laughed, this soft sound he made, the one that made his eyes light up. She’d looked at him and seen him grin in this ridiculous way, so she’d tugged her lips into an approximation of a soft smile and he’d hugged her and kissed her cheek and whispered how much he loved her, how happy he was, what a great mother she’d be._

_The door to the room opened and Delphine jumped before forcing herself to draw a slow breath. The doctor introduced themselves and told her to lie back and lift her shirt. She did, her hands trembling as she pulled back the hem to expose her stomach._

_She closed her eyes, counting in her head. At eight, she felt the ice cold ultrasound gel on her skin and flinched. At twelve, the wand was touching her, pressing down against her flat stomach. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she caught herself saying a quick prayer, hoping, pleading, that this wasn’t happening._

_“There you are,” the doctor murmured and her eyes flew open. She turned her head and stared at the image on the screen, her eyes widening in shocked surprise at the sight of the tiny little pulse._

_She felt the tears burn in her eyes and the lump in her throat swelled even more. The doctor cast a glance at her and saw her try to wipe at the moisture. Offered he a box of Kleenex and Delphine grabbed one, dabbing at her eyes as she sniffled, trying to make the words come out. She was happy. It wasn’t, wasn’t because she didn’t want this, or was overwhelmed by this. They were happy tears, of course they were. They had to be. Because Bastian was happy, and if he was, so was she._

_In her stomach, the coil of dread grew._

* * *

 

She leaned back against the elevator wall and closed her eyes. Her skin was tingling, the ghosts of his touch still lingering, making itself known. The way her right shoulder itched. How her left calf was feeling just slightly different. As if it wasn’t part of her body, didn’t actually belong to her. In the numbness of her lips. And the distant ache between her legs.

The blonde drew a shuddering breath and slowly slid down the elevator wall. Just for a moment, she told herself, as she heard the ding and the doors slid open, announcing her arrival on her floor. She’d just, take a moment. Catch her breath, gather her strength. Then she’d get up and go inside and take a long, hot shower. Wash him off, scrub the night from her skin.

The doors closed and she was still on the floor, legs drawn up, muscles starting to burn with the strain. The feeling wasn’t entirely unwelcome. At least this way, she could feel both calves. Both belonged to her.

She was estimating that she needed about two more minutes, for her body to start obeying her again, when the elevator doors opened suddenly. She looked up sharply, and found her neighbor standing there, looking tired.

The woman had been rubbing her eye and froze at the sight of Delphine on the elevator floor. Blinked at her, and then reached out abruptly, as the doors started closing again. Delphine saw her throat work as the brunette swallowed.

“Can I…” she started, gesturing. It made her swallow and then Delphine nodded. Watched as the brunette stepped on board and pushed the button for the first floor. The doors closed and Delphine kept her eyes trained on the stainless steel as the metal cart hurtled down.

“Getting off?”

The brunette’s voice was soft, the question projecting more care that Delphine would have expected. She slowly shook her head no.

“Alright,” the brunette nodded. Hesitated, the doors gaping open. “Want me to, send you back up?” she asked.

“Please,” Delphine breathed. Watched, as the brunette stepped towards the doors, then hit the button for the sixth floor, their floor, and left the elevator. The doors closed and the cart hummed as it started its ascent again and Delphine closed her eyes, tears burning in them.

* * *

Her lungs were burning, straining to break free, her heart trying its best to escape her chest as sweat was rolling down her face and neck. Delphine inhaled again, her feet beating on the gravel path of the park. She looked ahead, eyes finding the next park bench, and then the one after that.

Quick sprint there. She could do it. One, two, go!

The blonde sped up, the muscles in her legs screaming in pain, and a strange sense of satisfaction flooded the running woman at the sensation. She bit back a grimace and kept on pushing ahead.

She managed to make it, but barely, her chest heaving as Delphine leaned forward and braced her hands on her thighs as she inhaled greedily, the techno beat from her headphones drowned out by her gasping breaths and thundering heartbeat.

She only straightened for a moment, putting her hands on her back, before the blonde collapsed onto the bench. Still trying to catch her breath, she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her thighs. Her legs were burning, absolute agony traveling up and down her muscles, right now. It made her wonder if, perhaps, she had pushed herself a little too far, this time.

Her usual workout at the apartment complex gym prevented her from doing just that. On the treadmill, she could set her distance and the speed and the machine would let her know, if she was going over. Running outside, however, at the park, it meant that she didn’t have those measures in place. That she was the only thing responsible for keeping control on her body. And at times, Delphine’s control was not entirely of the kind, nurturing and patient kind.

The blonde leaned back, stretching out her legs. It would be a while, before she could tackle the walk back home. Delphine found herself vowing that it would be a walk, and not a jog, or another sprint. There was no reason for her to hurry, she did not have anywhere she needed to be, today. Hadn’t booked any clients, and last night, she’d called Jackie, and told her she had gotten her period, so the woman had taken her off the roster for the next few days.

It had come with a gentle suggestion to perhaps see her doctor. Delphine had been confused by that, before remembering that, as far as Jackie was aware, her periods were extremely irregular. A downside of the blonde only using them to get out of work occasionally. She wasn’t about to let her boss know that she’d stopped menstruating when she got the implant, though. All Jackie knew, was that she was on birth control. What kind Delphine never had shared, and she wouldn’t in the future, either. If Jackie knew, about her non-existent periods, she would know when Delphine used the excuse to get a few days off, and she would ask her, if something was wrong. And that was just, no. No, telling the other woman that she was menstruating when the thought of someone, anyone, touching her was too much, that seemed like a better solution, to her. It provoked less questions, less concern.

* * *

_She’ll have to tell him to stop buying the donuts, Delphine thought as she took one from the box. Sunk her teeth into it, a low moan leaving her. They were really good donuts. She hated them. But she couldn’t stop eating them, anyway._

_With a sigh, she turned and rested her butt against the kitchen counter, donut in one hand as she chewed away happily. The fingers of her free hand were twitching at her side and she frowned down at them before allowing a soft sigh to pass her lips. Slowly lifted her hand and carefully allowed it to come to rest beneath her belly button._

_It could just be donut weight. She knew she wanted it to be just that. But she was smart enough to realize that was just wishful thinking. This wasn’t just donut weight, her increased consumption of those wasn’t the reason for the bump that started to develop, that was currently beginning to stretch out her shirts._

_She supposed she was kind of lucky. Even at thirteen weeks, she was barely showing. Which, was a good thing, in her mind. But for Bastian, it wasn’t. She’d seen the way his brows furrowed in concern when they were in bed. Felt the kisses, against her lips, and then the gentle press of his mouth against the skin of her belly. Heard his soft murmurs to the creature growing within her, Bastian imploring them to grow, to be healthy-_

_Delphine felt her breath catch in her throat. Finished her donut and went to wash her hands, drying them vigorously on the towel, rubbing until her skin was red. She then went and grabbed her copy of Grey’s Anatomy, as well as a notepad, pencil and highlighter. Went over to the couch and sat down on it, hard, before crossing her legs. Plopped the tome open in her lap, and went to study for her Anatomy midterm._

* * *

Maybe they died.

It was a morbid thought and Delphine frowned at herself. Wondered, what was wrong with her, that her brain immediately went to that, instead of her neighbors simply moving.

It had been four days, since the last Morning Episode. She still heard noises, from next door, every once in a while. But for four days, there hadn’t been the morning tantrum. No screeching, no crashes, nothing. Well, besides the sound of a shower running for longer than she thought should be necessary, but then again, she knew that she did that, too. Had times where she would just sit down in her shower and let the water run over herself, zoning out.

The blonde frowned at the wall and drummed her fingers on the table.

Maybe she should check on them. Make sure that everything was alright.

Her eyes widened in surprise at her thought and she quickly shook her head.

No.

She didn’t know her neighbors. Had no idea, what their names even were. The sign next to their bell proclaimed Niehaus/Bowles, but Delphine didn’t know which one of them was which. The child, the girl, had been called ‘Charlie’ by her mother. That could have been her name, or it could be Charlotte, or something else. As for the woman herself, Delphine had never heard the child call her anything, even in the screaming tantrums, so the brunette’s name was an absolute mystery to her.

Her cell phone dinged and she reached out, picking it up from the table. Unlocked it, a soft sigh escaping her at the sight of her boss’s name in the groupchat.

> _Emerald Hotel, 10pm, mlf_

Delphine closed her eyes. She could use the money. And given the time and location, she had a pretty good idea that it was one of her usual clients, a guy that was starting to become a regular.

She shook her head, her fingers moving over the keyboard.

> _Will take if ‘Roger’._

She sent the message, waiting for the answer. Briefly saw that one of the other girls was typing, as well, but then stopped, no message following.

> _@D: affirmative, will send you confirmation in 10_

She nodded and typed a quick _‘k’_ into the chat, before putting her phone down again. Went over, to her wardrobe, tilting her head at her clothes as she started going through them, looking for an outfit.

Roger was, nice. He used an aftershave she didn’t very much care for, but that late, it usually was fading. Unless he thought to freshen it up, which, so far, he’d only done once. She’d met him four times, now. First time she’d been a bit surprised, to find a guy her age with hair that was starting to go gray and the first signs of male-pattern baldness appearing. He’d been kind of shy, with her, at first. Until he had realized that she wasn’t a date, wasn’t an ordinary woman he’d picked up off the street that he might have needed to impress. He was paying her to be there, and she would pretend to like whatever it was that he did. Unless he told her otherwise, which, he hadn’t.

She suspected that he was married. Perhaps going through a rough patch, perhaps filing for a divorce. He had had the foresight, to take off his ring, but she’d seen the groove, had seen the tan line on his hand. It didn’t bother her. She’d learned quickly to put her ideas, about relationships and dating, aside when it came to her clients. Their lives were none of her business, who was she to judge? As long as he did not ask her to fuck him in his wedding bed, she’d take the money and pleasure him.

With a shake of her head and a pursing of her lips, she reached out and grabbed a dark blue dress off the hanger. Took it in and then turned, to hold it against her body, check her reflection. It could work, she thought. If she remembered correctly, he wasn’t a fan of a lot of makeup. If she kept it light, went easy on the eyes, it wouldn’t be too much.

Delphine nodded and put the dress on the bed, going to her underwear drawer to grab fresh panties and a new package of pantyhose. Her last client had ripped hers, so leaving she’d had to use the emergency pair she usually kept in her bag.

On her way to check her bag, she grabbed her phone, and saw the email notification from Jackie.

> _Emerald Hotel, 10 pm. Room 212. Client’s name is Roger, looking for a woman to keep him company for a few hours. Prefers little to no makeup, no other special items._

She tilted her head at the message. ‘A few hours’ wasn’t Roger’s usual request. Delphine had him filed under ‘quick fun’, which tended to be right, with an exception of their first encounter. Roger was the kind of client that she could be done with in ninety minutes, sometimes even less.

She shook her head, selecting Jackie’s contact to shoot her a quick text.

> _How long are we talking about?_

She waited, her lip drawn between her teeth. Worried at it, for a moment, before she caught herself, cursing softly and reaching up to run her index finger over the soft flesh, checking for any cuts. Clients tended to react negatively, if they thought someone else had bitten her. She’d tried to explain that it was her own nervous habit that sometimes made her lips look a bit worse for the wear. The client hadn’t believed her, and Jackie told her to try to cut it out.

Delphine went to her purse, getting out the lip balm she kept in there and putting it on her lips. It helped. At least it made her realize when she was scraping her teeth over her lip, the taste jarring her enough to draw her attention to what she’d subconsciously been doing.

Her cell phone chirped and she looked down.

> _Requested 3 hours, if it takes longer, let me know. Rest of your night is clear._

She nodded, letting her boss know she would do that before putting her phone away and going to put her underwear into her bag, as well as check that she had all the other essentials packed.

* * *

Delphine looked up in surprise at the sight of her neighbor, their kid and another woman in the hallway, waiting for the elevator. The kid had their brows furrowed, watching the number on the elevator count down as the cart traveled towards the first floor.

“Oh, hey, Delphine,” her neighbor greeted her with a bright smile. Delphine saw the kid tense, shoulders drawing up.

“Hello,” she greeted them as she stepped closer, wondering if they were all going to fit into the elevator. Maybe it would be better, if she went up the stairs. Or waited.

“Charlie,” the stranger said, nudging the kid. “Can you say hello, to, Delphine?”

“Why?” the kid asked, a whine in their voice.

“Because it’s polite,” the other woman supplied. “If you meet someone in your hallway, you greet them.”

The girl let out a huff, eyes still on the elevator doors.

“Hello Delphine,” she said, and Delphine could feel her lips tug into a soft smile.

“Hello,” she returned. Shifted, and crossed her arms.

“Charlie,” the stranger added, tapping the kid’s shoulder. Who waggled her head, hands clenching at her sides, before she looked at the other woman. “Delphine is going to get on the elevator with us.”

“No.”

The reaction was immediate. Delphine blinked in surprise at the forcefulness of the one word that left the girl.

“Charlie-”

“No,” the girl shook her head, reaching up to cover her ears. “No. We get on the elevator together. You go first and then me and then Cosima. I get to push the button and count the floors. If I only push once, I get a sticker. Two stickers if I wait until the doors are all the way open before I get off,” the girl said, her voice rising. “We’re on the elevator together. The three of us, only the three of us. You and me and Cosima-”

“Sorry,” Delphine’s neighbor mouthed and the blonde swallowed thickly at the outburst of the kid. It looked like they were rushing full-steam ahead into one of their shrieking, screeching tantrums.

“Charlotte, stop,” the other woman said, injecting some force into her voice. “Delphine lives on your floor. It is a long way up, she will ride with us. Nothing bad is going to happen when she does.”

“Maybe I should-” she started, gesturing towards the stairs. It would be fine. She could just take the stairs, no harm done. She could do with the workout, really. Her client had taken her for sushi last night, and she had overindulged a little. Exercise would do her some good.

“Actually, uh,” her neighbor - Cosima, Delphine was assuming that way her name - started, reaching up to rub her neck. “If you think you can stand it, I’d appreciate it if you, stuck around. Went up with us. Unless you have somewhere to be, of course,” she quickly added with a look at the kid. “It could, take a moment, until she’s ready.”

Delphine swallowed thickly, hesitating.

She didn’t want to do this. She wasn’t any good, with children. Especially not children like Charlotte, Charlie, whatever her name was. Kids that had, issues. Because there was no denying that, any more. There was something wrong, with the girl. The way she spoke, her voice flat, barely emoting, before she suddenly erupted and started barreling towards a tantrum. The shrieking and throwing of things every morning.

But at the same time, she felt like it would be rude, if she said no. Clearly, the kid needed help. And if Cosima was asking her to stay, to do exactly the thing that the mere thought of send her daughter for a tailspin…

“Charlotte,” the other woman said, gently touching the girl’s wrists as she kept pressing her hands over her ears. The girl was whining loudly now. It made Delphine think that this was probably what she did, before she started screeching. It also made her think of how much the sound would echo, inside the metal walls of the elevator.

“Charlie, no,” Cosima told her. “Stop it. No screeching, we’re not home.”

The girl stomped her feet, shifting uncomfortably, before she began to shake her arms, and to Delphine’s surprise, Cosima nodded with a bright smile.

“That’s good, you can do that,” she told her. The elevator dinged softly, doors opening.

“Ready to get on?” the other woman asked, but Charlotte moved, her body seemingly convulsing as she shook her head. She went back to pressing her hands over her ears and blinked, big tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Charlotte,” the stranger sighed. “Nothing bad is going to happen. It will be like always. You’ll get to push the button, and you get your stickers, too, if you do what we agreed on. Only one push, and waiting until the doors open. You can do this, come on,” she declared and took Charlotte’s arm, starting to pull the girl with her. Charlotte dug her heels in, shrieking, throwing herself back.

“No!” she yelled, twisting and trying to get the woman off. Delphine could feel her heart beginning to race in her chest, her lungs constricting at the sight of the girl struggling so much with something that seemed so simple to her.

“You know, I just, I just remembered,” she stammered, turning to Cosima. “I, I have, a, a call to make,” she muttered and turned, hurrying from the lobby, her feet carrying her outside as she was digging for her phone in her purse. She went down the sidewalk, kept pushing ahead, her progress slowed by the other people on the street. The next side street that came up, she took, hurrying inside and pressing her hand against the brick wall of the building. She took another staggering step and collapsed with her back to the wall, tears burning in her eyes, even though she had no idea why.

* * *

“She has Autism.”

Delphine blinked in surprise. Slowly, she turned her head to look at her neighbor. To look at Cosima, who was slowly shifting through her mail.

“Charlie, I mean,” she added before lowering the stack. Chanced a look at Delphine. The blonde watched as Cosima drew a slow breath. “That, that elevator thing, that wasn’t me deciding to torture her. The woman, that’s, Abby. She’s Charlotte’s therapist. She helps us, with everyday tasks. Like helping around the house, going outside. Strategies to deal with unexpected changes in her routine…” the brunette trailed off, running a hand through her dreads.

“Ah,” Delphine murmured. Took a step aside as the elevator doors opened and someone else got off. She stepped inside, waiting for Cosima to do the same, before she pressed the button for their floor.

The brunette leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms.

“I know we’ve been… loud. Disruptive,” she said with a sigh. “Charlie, she’d only been with me for two weeks, before we moved here. It’s been, difficult. Too many changes in such a short time. We’re still getting used to each other.”

“She’s adopted?” Delphine murmured, her brows rising in surprise. Why anyone would take on a child like that, on their own volition, it was a mystery to her. If Charlotte had been her own child-

She quickly bit her tongue at the thought. Gave a sharp shake of her head. No. Not going there.

“Not yet,” the other woman shook her head. “Foster care,” she added at Delphine’s confused expression. “With the long term goal of adoption, yes. But it will be a while, before that happens. Lots of hurdles, and goals and milestones and whatever the fuck you wanna call that stuff,” she shrugged.

“What about her…” Delphine started, trailing off when she realized that she about to ask something rude. It was none of her business, why Charlotte’s family had given her up. From what she had seen and heard so far, Delphine felt like she couldn’t blame them. If that was Charlotte now, at eight, she didn’t want to imagine, what she must have been like, at four.

“Bio parents?” Cosima arched an eyebrow, before allowing a deep sigh to pass her lips. “Mom gave her up. Abandoned her, shortly after she was born. Her dad died unexpectedly like, half a year ago?” the woman frowned. “First foster family thought they could manage her, but she proved too much to handle, for them. It’s fine, they had other kids, as well. It was, too much, for Charlie. She was an only child, before her dad passed. Social Services thought that, since the single parent thing was something she knew, she might do better in that setting. Hence how we ended up together,” the brunette explained.

They’d gotten off the elevator and were talking in the hallway now. Delphine could feel a lump building in her throat.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t,” the brunette cut her off, an edge to her voice. “Don’t say you’re sorry,” she added at Delphine’s shocked expression. “Unless you feel sorry for Charlotte losing her dad, then okay, you can say it,” she nodded, her brows dipping, a dark expression crossing her face.

“But if you feel sorry for me, for being her foster mom, it makes you kind of an asshole. Charlie’s great. She’s awesome. She knows more about turtles than I will ever learn. She’s a walking alarm, always reminds me of stuff I would usually forget. I love being her mom. And if you’re sorry, about her being autistic, then screw yourself. She’s more than that, but it’s part of her. That’s like, saying you’re sorry she had brown hair, or brown eyes-”

“Okay,” Delphine muttered, holding up her hands. Swallowed, and took a moment to sort through her feelings. “I am sorry that she lost her dad,” she finally said. Drew a slow breath, figuring she owed Cosima another apology. “And I’m sorry I thought she was…” she shrugged. “That you were…”

“A shit mother?” the brunette quipped with an arch of a brow, tilting her head at Delphine as her tongue poked at the back of her teeth. She turned and unlocked her door, motioning for Delphine to follow her. The blonde took a step, before she hesitated. Surely, this was a bad idea. Talking about Charlotte with the girl’s foster mom, when the girl would most certainly hear them. She drew a deep breath, her feet moving, pulling her deeper into the stranger’s apartment, their home.

“Yeah, I know the screeching makes it sound like I’m torturing her,” the brunette was prattling on. “It kind of feels like it, to her, too. But I swear, the only thing I’m doing, is trying to do her hair.”

Delphine’s eyes bulged in her head.

“She screams like that because of her hair?”

“Sensory processing,” Cosima said with a wave of her hands. “I’m sure you don’t find it pleasant when someone tries to brush your curls.”

It made her grimace, the memory of her own father’s clumsy attempts at fixing her hair when her mother had been sick or out of town coming to mind. Yes, she had not been a happy child, when it came time for her parents to fix her hair. Learned pretty early on, to brush it herself, with her mother only kind of touching it up when Delphine missed a spot.

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded. “Now imagine being someone for who the smallest touch from a stranger is highly uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. To have someone pull on her hair and run a brush over her scalp, that’s a nightmare, for Charlie. And yes, I have contemplated a haircut. Besides that in itself not being easy, either, she doesn’t want one. She likes her long hair, she wants to keep it. So we’re trying to figure out a way to make it work,” the brunette shrugged.

Delphine tilted her head, watching the other woman for a moment.

“She looks a lot like you,” she remarked. It was true. Cosima had brown hair, as well, and her eyes were almost the same shade as the girl’s. Their nose was kind of similar, too. And even though the similarities ended here, most people, unless told, would probably not realize that Charlotte was not Cosima’s biological daughter.

“She picks up mannerism quickly,” the brunette nodded. “Which could be helpful. I talk with my hands a lot, so when people see Charlie stimming, they chalk it up to something she saw me do,” she shrugged.

It was only then that Delphine really noticed the absence of any other sounds.

“Uh,” she murmurs, looking around. “Where is…”

“Oh,” Cosima said, her eyes widening before she let out a soft laugh. “Respite,” she told Delphine as she went to get a glass from the cupboard and poured herself some juice. “Once a month, I get respite care. So I can, take a breath, and Charlie gets a reprieve from me, as well,” she explained. She held out the bottle to Delphine, who shook her head no, murmuring a soft thanks.

“Only once a month?” she asked with a tilt of her head.

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded, her expression darkening, for a moment. “But I get small breaks, as well. Charlie has speech therapy, and occupational, and PT as well,” she listed.

It made Delphine crinkle her nose, wondering why the girl would need speech therapy. As far as she was aware, Charlotte’s speech was normal. Well, her inflection was a little, off. But she didn’t have a lisp, or stutter.

“Her limp…” Delphine started, her brows creasing. She’d seen Charlotte walking, limping, dragging her leg. Had seen her wear a brace, as well. To her, it looked like nerve damage, but she was not an expert. Hadn’t finished medical school, never mind actually practicing.

“That’s neurological,” Cosima said. Frowned, at her drink, before taking a sip. “No apparent reason, for it. It’s always been like that, she copes with it fine, most days. Sometimes the brace irritates her, but that’s about it.”

The blonde opened her mouth again, to apologize, but caught herself this time. Swallowed hard, in an effort to push the words back down.

Cosima looked over, tilting her head at Delphine.

“You wanna do lunch? Together?” she asked her. “I was thinking of ordering pizza, because I’m really lazy, but if you’re over, I could cook?”

“Oh,” Delphine breathed, her eyes flickering to the clock on the wall. “I’m, I’m sorry, Cosima,” she stammered. “I, I have, somewhere I need to be,” she said, cursing herself for taking on this client, when Jackie had asked her last night. It was only ten to noon, now, but the meeting was at quarter to two, on the other side of town. She still had to shower and get dressed and go there.

“Oh,” the brunette murmured, her face falling. “Sorry, yeah, of course. Forget I asked,” she waved her off, escorting Delphine to her door.

“We could, do it some other time,” Delphine offered, confused at the hopeful tone of her own voice. “Either the next time you have respite, or… I mean, if you tell her beforehand, would, Charlotte, would she be…”

“If she has enough warning, yeah,” Cosima nodded. “It’s when it’s unexpected changes in her routine that she gets really upset. Can’t process them and doesn’t know how to react. She’s really anxious, small changes, they can be enough to scare her pretty badly,” the brunette sighed. “How about, we talk about this, sometime? I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you wanna eat with us, I won’t say no. But with Charlie, it requires a bit more planning than just, popping in when you feel like it.”

“Of course,” Delphine nodded. Shifted, her feet shuffling on the floor as she stepped into the hallway. “I, I’ll, let you know, okay? When I have a day that I am, free.”

“You do that,” the brunette nodded in turn, searching Delphine’s face, her dark eyes intent. “Have a nice day, Delphine,” she added softly, before closing the door behind her, leaving Delphine to stare at the wood, shaken and confused.

* * *

_IT’S A GIRL!_

_Delphine shook her head, reaching out to trace her fingers over the letters of the card. She’d picked it up to give it to Bastian, but then she’d ruined the surprise. He’d come home and found her in the shower, crying, and she hadn’t been able to stop. He’d been about to call an ambulance, worried that there was something wrong, with the baby, and she’d told him she was fine._

_It was a girl. They were, they were going to have a little girl._

_Bastian had stared at her in shock, and then he’d let out a laugh and wrapped her in his arms. Had hugged her and shushed her and asked her, if that was why she was crying. He’d thought they were happy tears, that she was excited, ecstatic, about having a daughter. She hadn’t had the courage to tell him that she was crying because she was absolutely terrified and that the baby’s sex had blindsided her._

_She’d expected a normal scan. Had figured that nothing was going to happen, they’d just have a look at the baby, take measurements, check the growth and heartbeat, and then she’d be on her way. She’d even told Bastian that there was no reason for him to try and find someone to cover his shift. He’d only started his internship at the bank, she didn’t want him to get into trouble._

_And maybe, she had wanted just a few moments, to herself. It felt like lately, she could not be without him for ten minutes, without Bastian worrying and asking her, if she was alright. If the baby was doing okay._

_Which, apparently she was. After all, she’d had no issue basically flashing the ultrasound technician._

_She still couldn’t believe it. They were having a baby. They were going to have a little girl. And she was absolutely terrified._

* * *

Her fingers were itching with the urge to reach out and take the bloody thing from Charlotte. The kid had been running her fingernail over the little ridges of the bottlecap of her water for four minutes, and the sound was starting to grate on her nerves. She could feel it slowly chip away at her sanity. It was like, sandpaper on her skin, abrasive and wrong and-

“Charlie, hey,” Cosima murmured and waved her hand in front of the girl’s face. Charlotte startled and the movement of her index finger stopped, briefly, before it started up again. “Can you, talk to Delphine? Make conversation, while I fix lunch?”

“No.”

To Delphine’s surprise, Cosima let out a laugh and reached out to touch the girl’s hair. It was in two braids, today. Delphine had heard the tantrum earlier, but now she was catching Charlotte toy with the braids, seemingly content to run her fingers over them.

“I want you to try, alright? Tell her something, about your day, your week. Or something you like to do,” Cosima told her and then disappeared again to check on the food. It was Friday. Friday meant salmon, steamed broccoli and rice, apparently. And ice cream, if Charlotte ate her food.

She hadn’t figured out, yet, which tasks warranted a sticker, and which got a treat or ice cream or something else. She could probably ask, but then that would mean that she was showing interest and Delphine… she didn’t want to let Cosima know she was.

“Green sea turtles can stay underwater for up to five hours.”

Delphine blinked in surprise. Turned her head to look at Charlotte. She was staring at the label on the water bottle, rubbing her thumb over it. It made the plastic crinkle softly, and Delphine watched as the girl tilted her head, her nose crinkling.

“Can they now?” Delphine replied, a little startled at the sudden statement. Charlotte bobbed her head and tilted it, and Delphine thought she saw her look over at her out of the corner of her eyes.

“Leatherback sea turtles can reach up to nine feet in size,” the girl declared.

“Uh-huh,” Delphine nodded. Cosima, she’d mentioned that Charlotte liked turtles, for whatever reason. Seemed fascinated by the creatures.

“I saw one, once. At an aquarium,” she offered, and blinked at the speed with which Charlotte’s head whipped up.

“A leatherback sea turtle?” the girl asked, watching Delphine. Who felt herself blush.

“I, don’t think so,” she slowly shook her head no. “I mean, if they can get that big…” she trailed off unhelpfully. “I, I’m sorry. I don’t remember the name of it. It was smaller, though. Like, size of my forearm, maybe?” she frowned.

She’d been a child, then. Well, teenager, really. A class trip to the aquarium. She hadn’t really liked going, not that interested in fish and other aquatic animals. But the turtle had been kind of cool, the way it had been swimming around, fins moving. Wait, were they called fins? Maybe, maybe legs was better. More appropriate.

“Cosima says she’ll take me to see them,” the girl declared with a soft pout. “The turtles. At the aquarium. But I have to get fifty stickers first. I’m only at nineteen,” she sighed.

“That sucks,” Delphine nodded, feeling sympathy for the girl. Fifty stickers seemed like a lot, to her. But then again, Charlotte did have plenty of opportunity to get them. Like the elevator thing every day she went out with Cosima and Abby. If she managed to only press the button once and only the one for their floor, she’d get a sticker. Delphine had asked Cosima, if that had ever happened, causing the brunette woman to duck her head.

“Not yet,” she’d said, the fact that the buttons lit up too tempting for Charlotte. Every time, she started pressing other buttons as well while giggling softly in delight as they lit up.

“You don’t have to do stuff to get stickers, do you?” Charlotte asked, tilting her head at Delphine in a way that reminded her strangely of Cosima. The blonde swallowed thickly, and then slowly shook her head no.

“No,” she confirmed. “I’m, an adult. I get to make my own choices, decide for myself.”

Charlotte looked away, her jaw working, her index finger moving over the bottle cap again.

“You could take me,” she said.

“Huh?”

“To the Aquarium. You could take me. You don’t need stickers,” Charlotte nodded and looked at Delphine again.

“No, she can’t,” Cosima chimed in, making both of them look over to the door. Delphine felt like a deer stuck in the headlights.

“I wasn’t-”

“Don’t worry,” Cosima waved her off. “You’re not the first adult she’s tried that with,” she chuckled. “And you,” she turned to Charlotte. “We have talked about this. About rewards and big trips. I know you want to go, but the Aquarium, that’s a, Big Thing, okay? People don’t do that every day, it’s special. Like a, mini holiday,” she tried to explain.

“We never go on holiday.”

At that, the woman rolled her eyes.

“You kind of haven’t been living with me long enough to know that,” she pointed at Charlotte. “Right now, we don’t. Because…?” she prompted, watching the girl. Charlotte frowned at the woman.

“Can you tell me, why we don’t go on holidays yet?” Cosima asked her.

“Because I’m not ready,” Charlotte answered. Tilted her head. “Ready for what, you didn’t say,” she added, drawing a soft chuckle from the brunette woman.

“Being away from home with only me around,” she told her before clapping her hands. “Dinner’s almost ready, time to set the table,” she told her. Delphine watched as Charlotted hugged the water bottle and got up, shuffling to the kitchen.

“I’m, sorry,” Delphine murmured, standing herself. “She, took me by surprise. I would have told her no, of course-”

“It’s fine, Delphine,” Cosima waved her off. “If anything, it’s kind of great, that she asked you,” the brunette suddenly said with a contemplative expression.

“Oh?” the blonde breathed, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded. “It means that, on some level, even if it’s only subconsciously, Charlotte trusts you. Enough that the concept of spending some time with you doesn’t make her want to run for the hills screaming,” she explained.

Delphine opened her mouth, but couldn’t figure out anything to say. Wasn’t sure, what she was feeling, right now. She was probably supposed to be, happy. To hear that a child so uncomfortable with strangers and the prospect of having her routines disrupted by them would be alright with spending time with her, even if it only was for as long as the trip to the aquarium would take.

Yet at the same time, she felt, uncomfortable, at the idea. Of spending time alone with Charlotte. Of being alone with any child, really. She wasn’t, wasn’t good, with kids. Never knew, what to do, what to say.

“Done.”

Charlotte’s declaration interrupted the moment, and both Delphine and Cosima turned to look at the girl. She was still clutching the water bottle to her chest, rubbing her nail over the ridges and making that mind-numbing noise.

“Awesome,” Cosima declared and walked over, touching Charlotte’s wrist. “You show Delphine where the bathroom is, so you can wash your hands, and I put the food on plates, alright?”

Charlotte let out a soft huff but she did make her way to Delphine. And stunned the blonde by taking her hand and pulling her along to the bathroom.

* * *

She shivered at the sensation of Cosima’s fingers gently touching the side of her neck, before the brunette withdrew her hand.

“Sorry,” she apologized and lifted her beer to her lip to take a sip. “I just… I didn’t know you had a, boyfriend.”

Delphine found herself frowning and cast a look at the other woman.

“I don’t,” she shook her head.

“Oh. Girlfriend?”

Delphine straightened and turned around on her balcony, leaning back against the banister. Had she imagined things, or had there just been a hopeful tinge to Cosima’s voice?

“What are you on about?” she asked, searching Cosima’s face. Who busied herself with taking another swig of her beer.

“You, got a, love bite,” she murmurs, fingers motioning to a spot on her own neck, mirroring the location she had just touched on Delphine’s.

The blonde felt her eyes widen and reached up, fingers moving over her skin.

“Merde,” she whispered, closing her eyes. She hadn’t even realized that he’d been sucking on her skin for so long. Hadn’t seen it in the mirror afterward, either. Crap.

“I take it that wasn’t, consensual?” Cosima tilted her head, causing Delphine to let out a deep sigh.

“The love bite, no,” she shook her head. “The sex, yes. But, he wasn’t, isn’t, my boyfriend,” she added, hesitating. She usually didn’t tell people what her job was. Most people, they didn’t understand. They had their own notions, of this kind of work, and when they found that Delphine didn’t necessarily fit those, things tended to get, awkward.

“Ah,” Cosima murmured. “Stress relief, huh?” she chuckled, looking out over the city. “Maybe I should look into that. Find myself some good-looking woman and just…” she waggled her brows.

Delphine’s eyes widened in surprise and she let out a hiss of pain when she managed to hit her teeth with the bottle she’d raised to take a drink from, before Cosima’s words and their meaning had hit her.

“Sorry,” Cosima chuckled, watching her. “You hadn’t, figured it out yet?”

“No,” she slowly shook her head. Swallowed thickly, and tried to search her mind for what exactly it was that had made Cosima think she would figure it out. Would figure out that the other woman was, into women.

“And here I’d thought the calendar would have been obvious,” Cosima laughed. Delphine’s brows dipped in confusion, before she found herself flushing brightly.

A week ago, Charlotte had knocked over her bowl of soup during dinner, the hot liquid hitting Cosima’s thighs. She’d quickly pulled down her pants, to get it off her skin, and then gone to the bathroom, to clean herself up. Delphine had offered to get her fresh pants and underwear, from her room, and Cosima had taken her up on the offer. Which had been how Delphine had found the calendar on the back of Cosima’s bedroom door. The one with the artistic nudes. Her eyes had widened in surprise, but she hadn’t really thought much of it. After all, she could appreciate the female naked form, herself, and she wasn’t gay. Plus, she hadn’t checked the calendar, to see if it was only women. Had felt like that would have been, too intrusive.

“Apparently not,” Delphine shook her head with some amusement at her own obliviousness. She hadn’t thought of herself as, that kind of Straight Woman, who couldn’t see same gender attraction if it stared her right in the face, but apparently, she was.

“Is it… going to be, an issue?” Cosima asked, her voice suddenly strained, and Delphine quickly shook her head no. Reached out, to take the brunette’s hand and give it a hard squeeze.

“Non,” she told her. “Of course not,” she added with another shake of her head.

She liked Cosima. As a person. Had found herself enjoying the brunette’s company, even going as far as turning down a client in favor of movie night with the woman. Who Cosima found herself attracted to, that didn’t matter, or change her personality. She was still the same woman that Delphine had come to know over the past month, the same woman she was slowly starting to consider perhaps somewhat of a friend.

She took a sip of her beer, wondering if, maybe, right now, would be a good time to, come clean. About the nature of her job.

“Cosima,” she started, looking at the brunette, who gave her a quizzical look. Delphine swallowed, her eyes darting away. “I, uh… about, my work,” she began, worrying at her lower lip before she let out a loud exhale.

“I am an escort.”

She watched as the smaller woman’s eyes widened in surprise and her jaw dropped, before Cosima could reign in her reaction. She closed her mouth and swallowed thickly, throat moving.

“Okay,” she murmured and Delphine let out a soft chuckle.

“Okay?” she repeated, searching the brunette’s face.

“I mean… it’s, your life. Your job,” she shrugged. “Just, uh, for my, peace of mind… You ever bring a, a client here?”

“No!” Delphine exclaimed, quickly shaking her head. “No, absolutely not,” she declared firmly. She never had, and she never would, in the future. All her appointments, they were outside of her home. This place, her apartment, it was, absolutely off-limits to her clients. None of them knew where she lived, and if they found out, Delphine would probably move. If they ever came to her door, she definitely would have to find another place to live.

Her place, that was, her home. Her sanctuary. Where she wasn’t Rose or Amelie or Jennifer or whatever name a client might ask to call her. It was where she could be herself, where she could be just, Delphine. Where she didn’t have to pretend. Pretend to like an aftershave or laugh at a joke, pretend that she liked their kisses or the way their hands moved over her body, so insistent and rough.

“No,” she repeated softly.

“Okay,” Cosima nodded. “I wasn’t… I’m not judging,” the brunette said, her voice gentle. “I was just, concerned, for a moment, because of Charlie. That she could, see one of them, or hear something…” she trailed off, her brows dipping. “I’m, not entirely sure, but I don’t think her father ever dated. She never mentioned a girlfriend of his or another woman in their lives. I don’t think she really understands adult relationships. Why people might kiss or have sex, those are concepts that are a bit, too much for her to grasp, right now,” she shook her head.

“Oh,” Delphine murmured, her brows dipping. She hadn’t considered that. That for someone like Charlotte, this would be just another added layer of confusion in a world that was not making all that much sense, anyway.

Cosima gave her a soft smile and leaned against the banister, running her index finger over the rim of her bottle.

“Can I ask… how did you, decide to do, this?” she asked, her voice low. “I mean, it’s totes fine, if you don’t want to talk about it-”

“It’s alright,” Delphine shook her head, surprised that for once, the question didn’t set her teeth on edge. Perhaps if was the fact that she couldn’t detect any judgment in Cosima’s voice.

When people usually asked her, why she was doing what she was doing, they did it with this tone. With venom dripping from their tongues. Sometimes, they gave her these pitiful looks and lowered their voices. When they did, Delphine knew that, after the question, they would always tell her that she ‘had a choice’, that she ‘didn’t need to degrade herself’. It always made her scoff. There wasn’t anything degrading, about having sex with other people and getting paid for it. At least not to her. Had there been degrading moments, during some encounters? Sure. Almost all of which she had previously consented to, in a form of role play. The times she hadn’t, she’d never served that client again after.

“I guess I just, stumbled into it,” she shrugged, peeling at the label of her beer as her brows dipped. “A friend was doing it, and one of her clients was looking for a third party. I was his type, so she asked me, if I would do it. Offered me 400 dollars, for three hours of my time. I needed money, so I agreed. I would have fucked him for that, but he’d had a, comment se dire?” she frowned, her brows knitting as she searched for the words in English. “Voyeurism kink,” she finally found them. “All he did, was kiss me, twice. And then I spent two hours watching the two of them fuck. He poured me a glass of champagne after and kissed my cheek and told me I was pretty,” she said, her lips tugging into a smile at the memory. It hadn’t been the only time she’d serviced him, but he had never, ever, touched her, beyond those two kisses. Every time she went to him, it was to watch. And all he did to her, had been gentle kisses to her cheeks, and sometimes, a soft hug when she left afterwards.

“That’s, some money,” Cosima murmured and Delphine nodded.

“Yes, it is,” she agreed. “I mean, it depends, on what the client wants, of course, but the money is a big draw,” she nodded. Hesitated, for a moment, before continuing. “Plus. I don’t, get attached,” she shrugged. “I know for some people, sex is, intimate, and personal. It is for me, too, of course it is. But I don’t have to be in a relationship with someone to have it. I don’t have to have feelings for the person I am fucking.”

“It is different, though, isn’t it?” Cosima responded, voice soft. “There’s a difference, between not being attached, and being detached.”

Delphine tilted her head, ready to call it semantics, but then she paused.

“Maybe,” she slowly said, frowning at her beer before she took a deep swig. “It is, different,” she allowed, feeling a blush rise to her cheeks. “Sex I have, with a partner, a boyfriend, that is completely different from when I am with a client. That is always about them, not about me. In that way, it is not as, personal. Most of the time, they don’t get to see me. My person,” she frowned, growing frustrated when she could not find a way to describe what she meant.

“You, play a role,” Cosima offered and Delphine found herself nodding.

“Exactement,” she declared. “Who I am with them, is not me. They don’t get to see that, not for all the money they could offer.”

It suddenly made her think she had said too much, with those last few words. As soon as they left her, Delphine felt, exposed. As if she had just shared a big secret with Cosima, as if she’d just revealed something about her that she could never, ever take back.

To her surprise, she saw the brunette smile softly at her. Cosima moved, bumping her shoulder against Delphine’s arm. A low chuckle escaped the brunette and Delphine reached out to take her hand, for a moment. Felt Cosima squeeze hers in response, relief spreading through her chest, warm and soft.

* * *

Delphine tilted her head, pressing the button on the remote to change the channel again. Flicked her way through thirty programs, before she gave up and turned off the TV. Went to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water, her eyes glued to the door of Charlotte’s bedroom.

The girl had gone to sleep surprisingly easily. Though Delphine hadn’t doubted that it had been due to Cosima’s extensive preparation for tonight. The blonde had lost count, how many times they had gone through everything with the girl. Had given her the timeline again and again, to make her feel comfortable and secure.

On the plus side, Charlotte now let Delphine ride in the elevator with her. She still wasn’t happy about it, and there was still some foot stomping and shaking, but she did get onto the cart, and pressed the button for their floor, despite the blonde’s presence.

Delphine shifted and checked her watch, trying her best not to think about what Cosima was currently doing.

She’d been surprised, when Cosima had asked her, if the agency she worked for had gay or at least bisexual women working for them, as well. She wouldn’t have thought that Cosima would resort to hiring an escort, that she’d want to pick someone up from a bar or someplace else, but at her saying as much, the brunette had let out a dry laugh and asked her how Delphine thought she was getting to a bar, these days.

It was, weird. Knowing that her friend was currently having sex with her colleague. She’d never worked with Hannah, or Shay, as Cosima knew her. Probably because the blonde exclusively serviced female clients and Delphine rarely did moresomes. Those had a tendency to get messy pretty quickly, especially when she was the only professional involved.

She shook her head and resisted the urge to pinch herself. Hannah was a good person, from what Delphine knew, and she didn’t do overly kinky stuff. Then again, it wasn’t like any of this was her business. She was Cosima’s friend, yes, but her sex life, that was none of Delphine’s concern. Even if she might have wanted it to be.

The blonde felt her eyes widen in surprise, losing her grip on the glass she was holding. It slid from her fingers, shattering on the kitchen tiles. The sound made her jump and Delphine let out a sort curse. Bent down and began to pick up the shards, jumping when the light turned on. She looked up to find Charlotte in the doorway, clad in her onesie, rubbing a stuffed turtle over her face. Franklin. Cosima had made it a point that Delphine knew the name of the thing, because when Charlotte got upset, she couldn’t describe it, and would only yell Franklin’s name, if she managed that.

“Euh,” the blonde murmured, frowning at the sleepy kid. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” she asked, straightening. She took a step around the mess and threw the glass away, casting a glance around in search of a small broom, so she could clean up the rest.

“Where’s ‘sima?” Charlotte mumbled around Franklin, eyes skirting around the room.

“Cosima is out,” Delphine reminded her before closing her eyes. Gentle voice, gentle words. You don’t want her to panic.

“Cosima is meeting with a friend,” she said, offering a soft smile to the girl. “She’ll be back,” she added, checking her watch again, “in about two hours.”

“Oh,” Charlotte mumbled, shifting on her feet, and Delphine’s eyes widened.

“Do you have to go potty?” she asked when she saw Charlotte press her legs together. The girl looked away, hiding her face in her turtle’s shell. “Hey, Charlotte, it’s okay,” she added, taking a step towards her. The girl shrank back, a blush coloring her cheeks.

“I, went in my sleep,” she whispered.

Ah, merde.

“That’s okay,” Delphine nodded, forcing a smile. “Come on. Let’s go get you cleaned up, then, yes?” she said, trying to sound cheerful and held out her hand to the girl. Charlotte chanced a glance at her, from behind Franklin. Delphine met her eyes with a small tilt of her head, her hand still out for Charlotte to take.

“I want ‘sima,” the girl whispered, tears burning in her eyes, and the blonde felt her heart shatter for the girl.

“I know,” she breathed. “I’m sorry, Charlie,” she murmured, touching her shoulder. “She’ll be back soon, I promise. But I don’t think you should be like this, until she’s here, huh?” she offered gently. “I’m sure it’s not a nice feeling.”

_Don’t worry. Nine times out of ten, she sleeps right through the night_ , Cosima’s voice echoed in her head, mocking her.

Charlotte sniffled before her shoulders slumped and she gave a defeated nod. Went ahead, down the hallway and to the bathroom, making Delphine exhale in relief. She hadn’t known how she could have persuaded the girl, if she’d resisted.

She shook her head and followed her, bracing herself, for what, she wasn’t sure. A tantrum, probably. Or meltdown. In the bathroom, she washed her hands and dried them before pulling down the zipper at the back of Charlotte’s onesie.

“I’ll take this off, okay?” she murmured, gently opening the tabs on the girl’s diaper.

It had surprised her, when Cosima had told her Charlotte was still wearing those, at night. If Delphine had spent more than a second thinking about it, it would have made sense to her, but as she hadn’t, she’d been taken by surprise by the fact. Honestly, it was a small miracle that Charlotte did no longer need them, during the day, even with all the changes in her life. There had been accidents, Cosima had said, some of which Delphine had heard the result of, in the form of meltdowns. But most of the time, the girl was good, about telling when she needed to go, and doing so with enough time to spare. Nights were still difficult, especially because Charlotte had difficulty falling asleep and received medication for that. It often made her sleep right through her body’s signals, and when she woke up, it usually was too late to make it to the bathroom on time.

She made Charlotte go again, just to make sure her bladder really was empty, and then cleaned her, before putting a fresh diaper on.

“All done,” Delphine declared as she zipped her up again. She told Charlotte to wash her hands, going first when the girl insisted she hold Franklin while Charlotte washed her hands. When she handed the turtle back, the child immediately hid her face in his shell again, a shudder running through her.

“Hey,” Delphine murmured. “You did great, Charlie,” she told her. “Thank you, for telling me, and letting me help clean you up.”

Charlotte drew a shuddering breath, shuffling from the bathroom, in the direction of her own room. She climbed into bed, tossing from her back to her side and then front, her turtle buried beneath her, along with her arms. Delphine watched her, for a moment, before stepping close.

“Tell me, if it’s too tight,” she murmured as she bent down and began tucking her in, and then picked up the weighted blanket from the floor, settling it onto Charlotte’s small frame.

The girl let out a soft sigh, her eyes already closing. Delphine’s hand itched with the urge to reach out and stroke her cheek, to brush her hair back from her forehead.

She quickly twisted her fingers into her shirt to refrain from touching the child and then tiptoed out of the room, carefully closing the door behind herself. In the hallway, outside Charlotte’s room, she formed a fist and bit into her knuckles, trying to stifle an anguished sob that was trying to break free from her chest.

* * *

She reached up, arching her back a little. Allowed a sigh to leave her lips as his hand dipped beneath the band of her panties.

The guy sighed and kissed her skin, just below her navel. It made her tense, the gesture too personal, too intimate. Too familiar.

Delphine reached down and touched his jaw. Cradled his face and pulled him up as she sat up. Kissed him, at first softly, and then growing more forceful, more demanding.

She reached down between them and ran her hand over the bulge in his boxers.

“I missed you,” she murmured, nipping at his bottom lip, before she stuck her tongue into his mouth. Heard him groan and his hands settled on her hips. Pulled her against him and he rolled them over, so she was under him again. Delphine bit back an annoyed sound and wrapped her legs around his waist.

“You can’t just up and leave like that, cherie,” she sighed against his mouth. “Leave me all high and dry for weeks.”

He let out a snort at that and she blinked at he withdrew.

“Not working,” he shook his head and she felt herself flush with embarrassment. It usually did. Most guys were only too happy, to pretend that they were the only one she was seeing. Pleasuring.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, her head feeling weird, now that she was pulled off-script.

He searched her face and reached up, to touch a curl of her hair.

“It’s lighter,” he commented and she bit back an apology.

“New salon,” she said, deciding to blame the change in color on a fictitious change of her hairdresser, and not on her wanting to go lighter.

“I like it,” he nodded and she felt a coil of something dark, in her chest. Thought, angrily, that she hadn’t asked him to like it. It was her hair, she was the one who had to live with it-

“I’m sorry,” she muttered and gave a gentle shove at his shoulder, to get him off her. Sat up and ran her hands through her hair. She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes, holding the air in for a moment. Until her lungs started aching and she let it out again.

“Hey.”

He trailed his hand over her back. No, not his hand. Just his index finger, tracing down her spine. And then she felt his lips on her shoulder blade. He liked to kiss her there. Liked taking her from behind, so he could trail kisses all over her back. She had no idea where the fascination came from, but as quirks went, this one was harmless, so she let him.

She turned her head and looked over her shoulder at him. Saw his closed eyes, the small furrow between his brows. He’d been gone for three weeks. She hadn’t really missed him. Not as a person, or a companion. As decent work, yes. He was usually easy. But her head was screwed on all wonky, today, and he seemed to be a little, off, himself, and it just was, weird.

She turned, kneeling on the bed. Touched his cheek, stroking her thumb over his stubble.

“Do over?” she suggested, keeping her voice soft, with just the tiniest hint of teasing. He searched her face before he slowly shook his head.

“No,” he decided and she felt dread coil in her stomach. “No, just… Can we, stop talking? And you use your mouth?” he asked.

It made her lift an eyebrow at him. Oral sex wasn’t usually on his menu. She almost asked, who he’d be pretending she was, but she caught herself at the last moment.

“Of course,” she nodded and got up from the bed, to grab a pair of condoms, grimacing when she saw she forgot the flavored ones. She usually had at least one pair packed, because the latex smell of the normal ones tended to make her gag during oral sex, but she’d just have to tough it out, this time.

* * *

Cosima let out a deep sigh and bent down to look beneath the table. Under it, a mound of blankets sat, moving slightly.

“Charlie, can you come out from under there?”

“No.”

The mound of blankets moved, rocking back and forth at the sound of Charlotte’s muffled voice. Delphine heard Cosima let out a sigh and watched as the brunette straightened. Put her head back and stared at the ceiling.

“Rough day?” she murmured, keeping her voice low.

“Yeah,” Cosima nodded and crossed her arms. “Abby pushed a little too much, and it lead to a full-blown meltdown. And then occupational therapy was rough, too. Wasn’t it, squid?”

Charlotte poked her head out from under the blankets, her face flushed.

“I’m not a squid,” she declared, narrowing her eyes at Cosima.

“I know,” the woman nodded and sat down on the floor. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t like it when I call you that,” she apologized. “Can you come out?”

“No,” the girl shook her head before ducking back beneath her blankets. Delphine watched her rock, for a moment, before she went over to the fridge and got a bottle of water. She joined Cosima on the floor, lifting a corner of the blanket and pushing in the bottle.

“Can you please drink something, Charlie?” she asked her. “It must be pretty warm, under there, and Cosima and I, we don’t want you to get a headache.”

The rocking stopped, and the blankets moved a little, before they stopped. And then Charlotte’s hand appeared, holding out the water.

“Open.”

Delphine reached out, but Cosima grabbed her wrist, shaking her head mutely.

“Charlotte.”

“Open, please,” the girl corrected, a whine creeping into her voice.

“Thank you,” Delphine nodded and took the bottle, opening it for her. Charlotte poked her head out and took the bottle, taking a sip of the water and shuddering at the coldness. Delphine had her mouth open to tell her she could get her a room temperature one, but the girl let out a soft giggle before she started drinking, nearly emptying the bottle in one go. It made her blink in surprise. She must have been pretty thirsty.

“I’m, icky,” Charlotte declared, her nose crinkling.

“Icky how?” Cosima asked her with a small tilt of her head. “Like, sweaty?”

“Yes,” the girl nodded.

“Do you want to, take a bath?” Cosima offered. “We have some bath bombs, you could pick one. I think there’s one of those dinosaur ones left, the ones with the toy?”

Charlotte rocked herself again, squishing the nearly empty bottle, causing the plastic to crinkle.

“Shower,” she decided. And then: “I want Delphine.”

The blonde felt her eye bulge in surprise, the two orbs nearly falling out of her head. If Cosima’s expression was anything to go by, the brunette was equally as shocked.

“Really?” Cosima asked, searching the girl’s face.

“She doesn’t put the head over my head,” Charlotte shrugged.

It made Delphine frown. She’d given Charlotte a quick shower the other day, while Cosima was on the phone with her insurance company. They’d been running late and it was threatening to send the girl into a tailspin, her routine getting too off track. So she’d offered to give Charlotte a shower, instead of her usual bath, to get back on track, time-wise. To her surprise, the girl had agreed. It had been kind of awkward, the last time she’d helped shower anyone else, in a context that hadn’t been sexual, had been while she’d still been in med school. But her knowledge had helped, at least a little. She hadn’t been at a complete loss, at least.

“Alright,” Cosima nodded. “You don’t have to wash your hair, if you don’t want to,” she added, standing and holding out a hand for Charlotte to take so she could get up easily.

“I want turtle shampoo,” Charlotte said, disappearing down the hallway.

“Blankets!” Cosima called after her. Delphine heard Charlotte grumble, but she did return and picked up her blankets from the floor, pulling them with her.

“If she, puts on her PJs now, does she…” Delphine asked and watched as Cosima nodded.

“Yeah,” she confirmed. “The zipper’s at the back, so she can’t get out of them herself. She’s been doing this thing, where she doesn’t always tell me when she has to go, but with those things, that doesn’t work.”

“You could just put them on the other way,” Delphine frowned, getting up, but Cosima shook her head.

“If I do, that means she can also get to her diapers. Trust me, it’s less of a hassle, having her wake me in the middle of the night because she’s wet, than to have to clean up shredded diaper the next morning. That filling gets everywhere,” the brunette pulled a face.

“Alright,” the blonde murmured. “Wish me luck,” she said as she followed Charlotte, feeling nausea rolling in her stomach.

* * *

_Delphine shifted in her seat, reaching down to press her hand against her belly, the other gripping her pen tightly._

_“Come on,” she murmured, resisting the urge to open her legs. Her eyes darted to the clock on the wall, and she quickly made a note on the margin of her paper._

_01-0.5_

_16-0.5_

_33-1_

_49-1_

_11-1_

_24_

_“Miss Berraud?”_

_She looked up to see the TA for her class standing next to her seat._

_“Yes?”_

_“Are you alright?” the man asked, leaning down. “You look, a little pale.”_

_She swallowed, forcing herself to breathe slowly._

_“Yes,” she nodded. “I just, I am, thirsty. Forgot my, water,” she murmured, forcing a smile. “Pregnancy brain.”_

_The man let out a soft chuckle and then nodded. Told her he would be back, in a moment, and to keep concentrating on her test. Her eyes darted to the clock again, before she added a ‘1.5’, to the 24, before she frowned down at her answer to the last question, wondering where on earth her thoughts were as she read over her ramblings. She was just finished with crossing out her previous answer and beginning to write a new one, when the TA placed a cup of water on her desk. Delphine looked up and saw him wink at her before he continued down the rows._

* * *

She never kissed another woman, before. It was, strange. Cosima lips, they were so soft. She was so soft.

Delphine made a sound in the back of her throat, half surprise, half pleasure. She could feel Cosima’s lips curve into a soft smile against her own.

“Easy,” the brunette whispered as she leaned back. Delphine felt her gently stroke her jaw, a finger trailing down the mandible’s contour.

Delphine leaned forward, pressing her forehead against the other woman’s, wondering how on earth they’d got here.

Cosima had come over, after Charlotte’s bedtime. She’d told her that she would be right next door, if she woke up. Plus, she’d invested in a pretty decent baby monitor, when her visits at Delphine’s place first became a thing. Not to spy on Charlotte. She kept the transmitter in the hallway, so she would hear if the girl left her bedroom in search of Cosima.

She wasn’t sure, which one of them had leaned in first. Actually, if she was honest, Delphine had the sneaking suspicion that it might have been her. That she’d been the one to break, to give in into this, strange tension that had been building between them for days.

It was, strange. The way Cosima kept invading her mind. Kept pulling at her nerves and intruding on her thoughts at the most unbidden moments.

It had been months, since she’d touched herself last. Her job meant she got frequent sex, and regular orgasms; even if some of her clients were thoroughly lacking in that department, others made up for it. Considered it some kind of, badge of honor, if they made the girl they took for the night come.

But then this, this thing, with Cosima, had started, and she’d found herself in her bed, early in the morning, her hand between her legs, furiously rubbing at herself to thoughts of Cosima. Images of her smile, ideas of what it might be like, to kiss her. To taste her. To make love to her-

“Hey,” the brunette murmured, pulling her back from her thoughts. “Where did you just go?”

Delphine swallowed thickly. Her eyes flickered away, heat burning across her cheeks.

“I… I have been, thinking. About, you,” she said, her heart hammering in her chest. Screaming at her that this, this was, too forward. She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t tell her. Cosima, she would, would freak out. It was, wildly inappropriate.

“Oh, have you?” Cosima asked with an arch of her eyebrow. To her surprise, there was no disgust in her voice. She sounded, curious. And what was even more strange, was that Cosima was grinning, her tongue poking at the back of her teeth.

“Hm,” Delphine nodded, a shy smile ghosting across her own lips. She searched Cosima’s face. Swallowed thickly.

“You know, I have, I have never, been-”

“Sh,” the brunette whispered and gently pressed the tips of the fingers against Delphine’s lips. “It’s okay,” she told her. “We don’t have to do, anything. Certainly nothing you’re not comfortable with.”

Delphine inclined her head. Reached down to touch the hem of Cosima’s shirt, tugging on it gently.

“What if I, want to find out?” she asked her, her voice barely audible.

“Look,” Cosima started and Delphine could hear her swallow thickly. “Maybe it would be a good idea, to, wait, yeah?” she suggested. “Give it a chance to, sink in. If you still want this tomorrow-”

“I keep thinking about you,” Delphine cut her off. “I keep thinking, of how you’ll look. What you’ll taste like. How it will feel, your skin on mine. How you’ll feel, around my fingers-”

She let out a yelp of surprise when Cosima practically threw herself at her. Wrapped her arms around Delphine and kissed her hungrily, her tongue slipping into the blonde’s mouth and making her moan into Cosima’s as hands came up, clutching the smaller woman close as they fell back onto her couch, their legs tangling. Delphine’s hips jerked, a gasp leaving the blonde at the contact.

Yes. Yes, this was, much better. So much better, as she wanted this, too. Wanted it, so much. So much, in fact, that she could feel herself getting wet already, just from the few kisses she’d exchanged, with Cosima. It made Delphine think that this had the potential of turning out rather embarrassing, for her. She was already so keyed up, so aroused, from just those kisses and the brief touches that the blonde knew she wouldn’t last very long.

She let out a small whimper against Cosima’s lips, pressing herself up against the other woman, searching contact, searching friction.

At times with her clients, she found herself dragging out the foreplay. Found herself stalling, attempting to delay the inevitable. Now, though, Delphine was growing impatient. She wanted Cosima. Wanted her skin against her own, wanted to touch her, wanted to feel the brunette’s fingers on her skin. Wanted to kiss her, over and over and over again, until there was nothing left in the world but the two of them, until she could not longer tell where she ended and Cosima began.

* * *

Charlotte moved slowly. Took a deliberate step, placing her foot in one of the hexagonal tiles of the floor. Turned on that foot and lifted the other, her arms stretched out to steady her, ro help her keep her balance, before she placed her other foot down in an adjacent tile.

“How long does this…” Delphine started, watching the girl.

“Ten minutes, usually,” Cosima said, leaning against the wall. “She’s been, experimenting, though, so it might go faster. Or it could take longer.”

“Experimenting?” the blonde repeated, her brows furrowing. A few paces away, Charlotte was pursing her lips, examining the tiles, as if looking for the next one she wanted to step on.

“Uh-huh,” Cosima nodded, lips tugging into a small smile. “She used to have a pattern, that had to be followed. Now it’s not so much the pattern, as it is not stepping on the cracks.”

Delphine let out a soft sound. Rubbed her hands together as she watched Charlotte move over the tiles in the atrium of the post office.

“I used to do that,” she murmured. “As a, a child. I remember, jumping, onto large pavement stones, so I wouldn’t step on the cracks between them.” The memory surprised her with its clarity.

“Yeah, ditto,” Cosima smiles at her. Delphine saw her reach out, felt her touch her fingers briefly, before her hand fell away again.

When Delphine looked over, she saw Charlotte watch them, her brows furrowed in a small frown.

“I have to go potty,” she whispered and Cosima was over in a flash, lifting her up and carrying her over the hexagonal tiles, before setting her down again and taking Charlotte’s hand. Delphine watched them hurry down the hallway, shaking her head a little at the sight.

* * *

Cosima shifted and Delphine let out a soft sigh at the sensation of the brunette’s lips brushing over her jawline in a barely-there caress.

She quickly reached down and caught Cosima’s wrist when she felt her hand dip between her legs. The brunette leaned back and searched her face and Delphine found herself swallowing thickly as she gave a small shake of her head.

“Sorry,” the smaller woman apologized, withdrawing her hand. Delphine let her go and watched her shoulders slump, her heart racing at the base of her throat.

“It’s not you,” she murmured, her lungs aching as she tried to keep her breathing calm and even. “I, was working, last night,” she told her, shame burning across her face. “I’m a little sensitive, right now.”

Cosima’s dark eyes widened before she closed them, her breath leaving her in a soft exhale.

“I didn’t consider that,” she admitted and Delphine swallowed, hard.

She hated this. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Cosima’s feelings. She should have let her touch her, toughen it out. Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue. Sure, after work last night, she had taken a very, very long and hot shower, to wash him off her skin, to scrub him away. She knew that today was Respite Day, hence the odds that she would be able to spent time with Cosima intimately were rather good. She hadn’t wanted any lingering reminder of last night’s activities on her body when Cosima touched her.

But the guy from last night, he’d been, rough. A new client. If she had known beforehand, she would have turned him down, not wanting to have this happen. But it had been four months, since Leslie last booked her, which meant that she had a spot free, to take on a new client, and to be honest, she was feeling the lack of money from Leslie. So when Jackie had told her about the guy, Delphine had agreed, if a little reluctantly, given her plans for her day off with Cosima.

If the guy returned, she’d be prepared. Would pack lube and prepare herself beforehand, and if he didn’t like it, well, he then he could shove his dick up his own ass, if he insisted on being rough like that.

Delphine reached out and cradled Cosima’s face. Leaned in for a soft kiss. She loved kissing her. It was one of her most favorite things in the world. Besides sleeping in, and croissants that were still warm from the oven and filled with strawberry jam.

“It’s not you,” she repeated, keeping her voice low and soft. “Please believe me when I tell you that I very much like it when you touch me. It’s just, the thought of anyone touching me, right now, in general, is not a pleasant one,” she sighed and touched her forehead to the smaller woman’s.

Cosima leaned back, searching her face.

“Are you, in pain?” she asked, her voice catching, and Delphine quickly shook her head no.

“No,” she murmured. “Just, sensitive,” she shrugged. “You know how it can feel, after intense sex?”

The brunette swallowed before she nodded. Inclined her head and looked down as she traced her fingertips over Delphine’s collarbone.

“What?” the blonde asked her, seeing the pensive expression on the brunette’s face.

“Nothing,” Cosima shook her head. She continued her ministrations for a moment, before her hand fell away and her nose crinkled. “Well, actually, I’m kind of wondering… is it, weird?” she asked, stroking Delphine’s cheek. “That I slept with Shay?”

She felt her brows rise in surprise, before allowing a sigh to leave her.

“Yes and no,” she admitted. “No, it’s not weird in the sense that, we don’t talk about our clients, unless we cover for someone else. I don’t know, what went down between you two, she didn’t tell me and I am not going to ask,” she explained.

“And yes because…”

“Because… I know her. She’s a colleague. I know her reputation, I know what she looks like. Her head shot, underwear pictures and nudes, I have seen them. She’s beautiful, and it makes me wonder, what you see, in me,” she whispered.

“Have you seen yourself?” Cosima blurted, drawing a laugh from Delphine.

“Merci,” she smiled, kissing the corner of Cosima’s mouth. “In a sense, it’s kind of like, if I had slept with one of your colleagues.”

“Ah,” Cosima murmured. Leaned in to touch her forehead to Delphine’s, her chest moving with a deep breath. “For what it’s worth, it wasn’t really for me.”

“Oh?” Delphine breathed, her heart rate accelerating.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was good sex,” the brunette shook her head, crinkling her nose. “But I think the whole, paying for it, that kind of, soured the experience. I guess I’m more of a, Sapphire kind of gal.”

“Sapphire,” she repeated, her brows dipping. The name seemed familiar to her, but she couldn’t put her finger on it, couldn’t remember what it was.

“Lesbian tinder?”

“Ah,” Delphine nodded, stroking her hands over Cosima’s shoulders. “So, you don’t like being confronted with the fact that it was just a fantasy.”

“Maybe,” the brunette laughed, the low sound making heat pool in her belly. Delphine found herself forcing down a fresh wave of resentment for the guy from last night. If it hadn’t been for him, she was pretty sure she’d be riding Cosima’s fingers, right now.

Curse her job.

* * *

Delphine drew a slow breath. Watched, as Charlotte frowned at her plate, and then picked up her fork. The girl swallowed, her throat working.

“Hey,” she murmured as she sat down next to her. Saw the tears brimming in the girl’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, searching Charlotte’s face. It was Saturday. Fish fingers and fries and ketchup and canned peaches night. And a vegetable of Charlotte’s choosing. She’d wanted carrots, so Delphine had made them.

“It’s touching,” she whimpered, a shudder running through her body. “My fries are touching the fish fingers and you put the ketchup on them already and the carrots are chopped and not sliced and _YOU TOUCHED MY FOOD_!”

The girl shrieked, making Delphine flinch. She’d just reached over and stolen the French fry that had been touching the fish fingers.

“Sorry,” she apologized, her breath catching in her throat as Charlotte threw her fork before melting off her chair. The girl collapsed onto the floor with an anguished howl and Delphine cursed herself.

Easy and quick fixes never worked, with Charlotte. She should have known that. Should have remembered the time that Cosima had nudged a pea back into the pile on the girl’s plate and how Charlotte had broken down at that, as well. No one was allowed to touch her food with their hands, once it was on the plate. Not before that, either, if Charlotte could see.

“Okay,” Delphine murmured and knelt down on the floor, where Charlotte was pressing her hands over her ears, moaning softly as she rocked herself. She reached out, intending on tapping the girl’s hand to catch her attention, before she stopped herself. This was, this was starting to go into full-on meltdown territory, and she did not want to upset the girl further.

She had been already antsy, earlier. Which had been strange. Usually, she was fine now, when Delphine watched her and Cosima was catching a break or Adulting somewhere. But today, something was, off. Cosima had said as much, uncertain herself what it was that was upsetting the girl. She had complained about the tag in her shirt irritating her, but that had been in the morning and Cosima had taken care of it, and now it was hours later, and she was still, like this.

“Charlotte,” Delphine murmured, quickly reaching out when Charlotte leaned forward and putting her hand where she thought her forehead might hit the floor, if she kept rocking like this. Her mind was racing, trying to figure out a way to fix this. She got up again and went to grab an empty plate, another fork and knife and then sat down on the floor with it, taking Charlotte’s plate with her. She carefully set out to remove the crusty bit of the fish fingers that had the ketchup on it, flicking the bits she took off on the spare plate.

Charlotte was humming aggressively, but out of the corner of her eyes, Delphine could see her stop rocking as hard.

There was no fix for the carrots, so she left those. The fries, she tilted her head at, then divided them up, putting those that had been in the area of the one she’s stolen with her fingers on the spare plate.

“Here,” she murmured, showing Charlotte the plate. “The ketchup’s gone, and I swear I didn’t touch those fries,” she said. Watched, as the girl rocked, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I can make you something else, if you want me to,” she offered. “I know it’s Saturday, I know it’s fish fingers night. But if you don’t want to eat any of this, I can make you a sandwich. I think I have hot dogs, as well. I know that there is a pizza, in the freezer, but that will take at least an hour,” she listed, her heart hammering in her chest.

“It’s Saturday,” Charlotte sniffled. “I have to eat fish fingers.”

“Okay,” Delphine nodded. Pulled her lower lip between her teeth. “I, can make more fish fingers?” she suggested. “But they would be from the pan, not the oven,” she quickly added, not entirely sure if that was an issue or just a ‘she likes that better’ kind of thing. It was hard to tell, sometimes, with Charlotte. When changes were okay, and when they absolutely were not.

“I don’t have any more fries, and I’m sorry that I can’t do anything about the carrots. You, you don’t have to eat them, if you don’t want to,” she told her.

“I want ‘sima,” Charlotte whimpered, pushing herself against the wall, squishing her arm between her body and the hard surface.

“Cosima isn’t home, Charlie,” Delphine swallowed. “She’s out. She’ll be back in, three hours,” she added after checking her watch.

“I want ‘sima,” the girl repeated, rubbing her forehead over the wall as well. Delphine reached out, inserting her hand between the wall and the girl’s skin and drawing a frustrated shriek from Charlotte.

“You’re hurting yourself, Charlotte,” she shook her head, trying to keep her voice low and gentle, even though she was starting to panic. “I can get you a cool pack, would you like that?”

Charlotte let out a whimper, pushing Delphine’s hand away and pressing her forehead against the wall again, this time rolling her head. Not much better. The blonde watched her, for a moment, pondering her options, before she got out her phone.

It rang three times, before the voice of Charlotte’s therapist answered.

“Yes?” Abby greeted her and Delphine took a slow breath.

“Hello, Abby? This is, this is, Delphine. Cosima’s, neighbor,” she said, her voice catching on the word. They hadn’t told Charlotte yet. About the two of them, being, something.

“Hello Delphine.”

“I, uh, Cosima, she is out, and I, I am watching, Charlotte, and…” she stammered, closing her eyes at the tears brimming in them. She felt like an utter failure. She should have known what to do, should have remembered that touching Charlotte’s food would be such a big deal. She should know, what to do now, and not have to call someone else for help. She should be able to deal with this, and fix her mistakes herself.

“Uh-uh,” the woman on the other end sighed. “What happened?”

“I, touched her food,” she admitted and heard the sharp intake of breath, telling her she’d really, really messed up.

“What’s she doing, now?” Abby asked and Delphine looked at Charlotte again. She was still pressing against the wall, and had picked up the humming again.

“Humming,” she told Abby. “And, pressing herself against my wall with her, left side, and her forehead.”

There was silence on the line for a moment, and she feared that Abby had hung up on her, before she heard her again.

“Okay,” the therapist murmured. “Try and, get out of her space,” she advised and Delphine scooted back, putting some distance between the girl and herself. “If you can, get rid of the food, but keep an eye on her,” she added and Delphine stood, putting the food on the table, so Charlotte could no longer see it.

“Okay,” she muttered, rubbing a hand over her face. “I, I am sorry. I know I messed up-”

“Delphine, it’s okay,” the other woman cut her off. “Let’s focus on helping Charlotte right now, yes? You said she was pressing against your wall?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re at your place?”

“Yes,” Delphine nodded, her brows furrowing.

“If you have a key, you could suggest going over, to Charlotte’s place. It might help her, being in her own surroundings.”

“Okay,” the blonde breathed.

“When she’s sensory seeking like that, looking for pressure, her weighted blanket is usually a good bet,” the therapist offered.

“Thank you,” Delphine murmured. “I will, go and try that. Can I call again, if it, doesn’t help?”

“Sure,” Abby told her, pausing. “If she continues asking for Cosima, you might need to call her. Don’t mention her name yourself, it will only make her latch onto the idea. But if she does it herself, if she repeatedly asks for her, then you may have to call her.”

Delphine swallowed thickly.

“How often is, repeatedly?” she asked, grimacing at the painful lump in her throat.

“Go with your gut,” Abby answered, nearly making Delphine let out a groan. “If she gets more agitated when you tell her that she’s not around, then that’s usually when you’ve reached the point where they’ll shut down and you need to get their primary caregiver.”

“Okay,” Delphine whispered, closing her eyes for a moment as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Thank you, Abby.”

“You’re welcome,” the other woman responded before hanging up. Delphine put away her phone and went to get the key Cosima had given her, before crouching down near Charlotte again.

“Charlie?” she murmured, searching Charlotte’s face for a reaction. “Do you want to go next door? Get your blanket, and sit down in your room?”

The girl let out a sound at the back of her throat that Delphine thought might be an affirmative, so she reached out, gently trying to get her away from her wall.

“Come on, then,” she murmured. “Up you go. We’re gonna go get your blanket, and a cool pack, for your head, yes? You like those, don’t you?”

* * *

Charlotte wasn’t talking. She wasn’t speaking and it was her fault. Delphine had messed up and she’d done so so badly that it had caused Charlotte to go completely nonverbal and she just, she was such a complete failure.

She’d had ended up calling Cosima, once she’d gotten Charlotte into her own room, stripped down to only her underwear, with her weighted blanket wrapped around her, and another two on top of that.

Cosima told her that it was something that happened. After big meltdowns, Charlotte had times when she went nonverbal, but Delphine had never encountered that. She only knew her as a child that spoke. Sometimes rather fast, sometimes very flatly or only in one word sentences, but she’d never had Charlotte completely refuse to say anything.

She could tell it was making Cosima upset, as well. She said she wasn’t angry, with Delphine, but the blonde didn’t believe it. She was the one that had made Charlotte go nonverbal, after all. It stood to reason that Cosima was mad as hell with her, right now, for messing up on such of a fundamental level as not touching the girl’s food.

“Do you want juice?” Cosima offered, showing Charlotte the bottle. Which might have worked, if the girl had been looking at her. She wasn’t, though. She kept her gaze fixated down, and Delphine had seen her flinch earlier, when Cosima had helped her dress and Charlotte had had to move her head and nearly met her eyes.

The girl rocked herself, and then shook her head.

“Tea?”

Another head shake.

“Water?”

Charlotte raised her hands, pressing them over her ears. It made Cosima sigh and set down the bottle. She removed the headphones from around Charlotte’s neck and put them in her line-of-sight, before she went about pulling her hands away from her head and putting the headphones on.

“Controls the pressure,” Cosima said when she caught Delphine’s look. “When she’s like this, she’ll press too hard, on her skull. Headphones mean she gets the noise-cancelling but can’t put too much pressure on her head,” she explained, before taking a few glasses and filling them with different drinks. Iced tea, and water, and apple juice, and orange, and even Sprite. Set put all of them down on the table in front of Charlotte, setting the bottles of what was in the glass right behind each one and then tapping Charlotte’s hand twice. The girl let out a strangely contained shriek and flailed her hands.

“Okay, okay,” Cosima sighed and crouched down next to her. “I’m sorry, baby,” the brunette murmured, hand twitching as she reached out to touch Charlotte, but caught herself. She let her hand fall away again and stood, nodding towards the doorway.

“I am, so sorry,” Delphine murmured as they stepped into the hallway of Cosima’s apartment, giving Charlotte space, but able to keep an eye on her.

“It’s…” Cosima started, before trailing off with a harsh sigh. “It’s not fine, not right now,” she admitted. “But eventually, it will be,” she tried to calm Delphine. “Look, I’ve made some pretty big mistakes, myself. Trust me, the way she is, right now? She’s been like that because of me, too, more than once,” the brunette woman shook her head.

“Yes, but…” Delphine frowned, drawing a shuddering breath. “I should have known better. I knew better,” she shook her head as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest. “I really am sorry, Cosima. For ruining your evening, for cutting your break so short. For hurting Charlie like this.”

“She’ll be okay,” Cosima declared. Delphine watched her draw a deep breath again, looking over at the girl, who had gone to snap her finger against one of the glasses, making it ring out softly. “She just need some time, to calm down, get a chance to get her bearings again.”

At that, Delphine swallowed thickly.

“And she would find that easier to do, without me around. Right?”

Cosima let out a loud breath.

“Look,” she said as she reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “This isn’t, a punishment, okay? Or anything like that. Really not. But, yeah, it would be easier, right now, for Charlotte, if you weren’t here.”

The blonde inclined her head and swallowed thickly before she gave a curt nod. Ducking her head, she went down the hall and opened the door, stepping out of the apartment and hurrying over to hers. She barely managed to make it inside and close the door behind her, before her body began to shake with sobs and Delphine slid to the floor, hugging herself tightly.

* * *

The light bulb over the mirror was on its last leg. The thing emitted a high-pitched whine that grated on her nerves and made Delphine flinch and pull her brows together, a headache beginning to build in her skull.

She shook her head and turned on the faucet. Waited for the water to turn ice cold and then filled her hands, going to scrub her face. The low temperatures of the water woke her and made her gasp softly. She shut the water off and grabbed the towel on the counter to dab at her face. Hid it in the cloth and drew a steadying breath before she lowered the towel. Stared at her reflection, taken aback by the empty expression in her eyes.

She leaned forward, bracing her hands on the edge of the sink. Drew a shuddering breath and clenched her eyes shut in an attempt to fight down the wave of nausea. Her arms began to tremble beneath her weight and she pulled back. Straightened and reached up to brush her curls behind her ear, before she lunged forward, emptying her stomach into the sink.

It was mostly bile, alongside the cheep cider he’d offered her when she’d arrived.

Delphine closed her eyes and bit back a whimper. Forced herself to take a deep breath and turned on the water again, to rinse the sink and rinse her mouth.

There was a tube of toothpaste in her bag, and she grabbed it. Bit back a groan when she realized she’d forgotten her toothbrush and would have to use her finger. Not exactly what she wanted to do, especially after just puking her guts out, but it wasn’t like she had much of a choice. The blonde drew a deep breath and began scrubbing, making a mental note to brush her teeth again, once she got home.

After, she took off her soiled underwear and grabbed the washcloth she kept in her bag. Turned the warm water on and set out to clean herself up and then dried herself before putting on fresh underwear and her dress from last night.

He was still asleep, snoring softly with his face turned half into the pillow. It made her pause. Made her wonder, if perhaps she should wake him. Perhaps he had someone at home, someone who would notice and not be happy, if he wasn’t back in the morning. It was just shy of two am, he could still say he’d just been out with some friends, that he’d been at a bar…

Delphine worried at her lower lip before shaking her head. Took the envelope from the bedside table, not bothering to check the contents. He’d never shortchanged her, and if he decided to try now, well, Jackie had his details.

She slipped from the room, ignoring the way her skin felt just the slightest bit too small for her body. Ignored the dull ache between her legs and the way her right wrist still throbbed after the unfortunate encounter with the headboard.

* * *

It made her incredibly nervous. The sight of the tiny turtle slowly walking around the living room floor, Charlotte laying on her belly as she watched the animal, completely entranced.

“I know, I know,” Cosima sighed. “I shouldn’t have given in that easily. But she’s really cute, and Charlie gave me that puppy look…” the brunette trailed off with another heavy sigh.

Delphine swallowed, looking back down to see the small turtle attempt to take a bite out of a strawberry that was almost the size of her shell. Charlotte let out a soft giggle at the scene, and Delphine was surprised to feel, something, stir in her at the sound.

Part of her agreed. Getting an animal, especially a reptile, on a whim, basically impulse buying them, it struck her as wrong and a tremendously bad idea. But there was Charlotte, and her absolute fascination with turtles. And as difficult as she found it, to argue against a logical choice that made sense, purely from a perspective of the facts, Delphine had to admit that it felt like getting the turtle and having to take care of it was well worth it, considering Charlotte’s apparent happiness at the acquisition of the pet.

“How did you even find her?” she asked, her brows dipping. “Is it a her?” she added on second thought. She didn’t have the first idea, on how to tell apart male and female turtles, plus this one was so small that Delphine didn’t think she would have been able to do it, had she been familiar with the markers, anyway.

“She was sold as a female, at least,” Cosima shrugged. “It doesn’t matter much, really. Charlotte found the owner in the classifieds. They said they had a couple of turtles for sale, and I thought that, maybe visiting them to show her how much goes into actually keeping a turtle would cure her off it, but nope. She wanted a red ear slider, actually, which would have been a lot bigger and way more high maintenance, but I managed to convince her that this one was way better and would be an actual option. Naturally, she latched onto that, and I just… couldn’t keep saying no.”

“She’s a box turtle,” Charlotte piped up from her position on the floor, pushing a piece of what looked like cucumber towards the turtle. “She’s gonna grow to up to 7 inches big. She’ll have a front flap she can close completely when she pulls into her shell. Her name is Clarke.”

“Oh?” Delphine murmured and gave Cosima a questioning look. She couldn’t think of anyone she knew by that name, especially not another woman.

“Her idea,” the brunette said. “The previous owner didn’t have a name for her, besides ‘turtle #2’,” she shook her head with a small roll of her eyes.

“It’s a C-name. Like Cosima, and Charlotte,” the girl declared as she sat up and picked the turtle up. It struck Delphine, how gentle she was with the tiny thing. The box turtle looked to be only as big as Delphine’s palm. It seemed so easy, to hurt her, to accidentally crush her. Charlotte held the turtle in her hands, giggling at her as Clarke’s legs flailed.

Cosima opened her mouth, no doubt to tell her to not torture the poor animal, but then Charlotte stood and held Clarke out to Delphine.

“Hold her,” she said and Delphine reached out her hands, cupping them together before the girl put the turtle in them.

Looking down at the tiny thing in her hands made her heart beat faster. She was suddenly deathly afraid, of hurting the poor turtle. Of accidentally twisting one of her legs, or pressing on her shell too much, or dropping her. Charlotte would hate her forever, if she did any of those things. She was watching Delphine like a hawk, a fiercely protective expression on her face.

She was still kind of weary, of Delphine. Didn’t particularly care to talk to her, and definitely did not appreciate it when she was left alone with her. Which the blonde totally understood. She had messed up, big time, and that Charlotte was even tolerating her being around seemed like a small miracle to her. She wouldn’t have been surprised if the girl hadn’t wanted to do anything to do with her ever again. It seemed like a lot of forgiveness that Delphine was pretty certain she didn’t deserve, considering how badly she’d hurt the girl.

To have Charlotte trust her with Clarke, it was, a lot. She didn’t want to mess up again, didn’t want to hurt either, Clarke or Charlotte.

“Here,” Cosima murmured, carefully picking the box turtle from Delphine’s hands when the brunette realized that she’d basically frozen and had no idea what to do.

“Let’s put her back into her enclosure, huh? I think Clarke’s had enough for today,” the other woman declared. Delphine watched Charlotte’s face fall and prepared herself for a tantrum, but none came, much to her surprise. She did pout, but she still went over to the enclosure and opened it, fidgeting with the water bowl for a moment, turning it this way and that, before she gave a small nod and stepped back, allowing Cosima to put the turtle back in.

“Okay, close it, and make sure it is locked,” Cosima told the girl. Charlotte nodded and closed the front glass doors, sliding the locks in place.

“I wanna watch her,” she declared, rocking herself and Cosima nodded, leaning down to kiss her hair.

“Go get yourself a chair, then,” she told her and the girl bounded off, returning shortly after with an office chair. She pulled it up in front of the enclosure and climbed into it, folding her left leg underneath herself before she pulled the blanket off the back and wrapped herself up in it. Delphine could hear her humm softly to herself, though she sounded less, urgent, in it. More like any child just humming a melody, instead of Charlotte stimming.

“You alright?” Cosima asked her, searching Delphine’s face. The blonde swallowed and gave a short nod.

“Of course,” she murmured and forced a smile, trying to convince both Cosima, and herself, in a way.

It was just… this week was always hard. She usually tried to, ignore it. Tried to distract herself. The past years, she’d thrown herself into her work, had picked up extra shifts and clients and tried everything to not have to think for too long, to not have to be alone for long periods of time.

But that wasn’t really an option now, was it? Cosima hadn’t said anything, about having an issue with her work, but Delphine had found herself not working as much, since they started seeing each other. Mostly because she found herself having difficulty with Cosima touching her after she’d been, working, the previous night. It was difficult to process, the way Cosima touched her and how different it was, from the way that her clients engaged with her body.

She felt Cosima watch her as she looked away, trying to avoid the scrutiny at least a little bit. She didn’t want Cosima to see that she was uncomfortable and kind of, struggling. Not that she was. She wasn’t struggling, not really. It would be fine in a few days. She just needed to keep her head above water for a little while longer. That, wasn’t that big a deal, was it?

“You sure?” the brunette pressed and Delphine clenched her jaw, her hands curling into fists.

“Yes,” she nodded, casting a glance at the other woman out of the corner of her eyes. She saw her brows dip. Delphine allowed a sigh to escape her and reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“Cosima,” she murmured, her throat working as she swallowed thickly, her voice husky with emotion. She saw her move and then felt Cosima’s arms wrap around her in a soft hug.

“Sorry,” she apologized, her voice low, to keep from drawing Charlotte’s attention. “I didn’t mean to push, or upset you.”

“It’s fine,” Delphine breathed, stiffening beneath Cosima’s arms. “I just… it’s not something I want to talk about,” she admitted. Forced herself to meet the brunette’s eyes, for a moment, and forced another smile.

“It will pass,” she told her. It was the truth, she believed what she was saying. After all, it always did. Sooner or later, the feeling of the walls closing in on her, the restlessness and the sense of dread and failure and being the worst human being on earth, it would pass. It always did, in the end. She’d feel normal again in a few days.

* * *

_She couldn’t breathe. There was this, huge weight, sitting right on top of her chest, and it kept pushing down and slowly suffocating her._

_She let out a ragged breath and drew in another gasping breath. Bastian looked up at her, eyes narrowing in concern, and she quickly shook her head. Forced a smile and reached for him with a trembling hand. Gave his wrist a soft squeeze before she let her hand fall away again. Pulled it into her lap and twisted her fingers around each other, a shudder running through her._

_She was, exhausted. Her skin felt both too small and too big at the same time. Her whole body felt, just wrong. It wasn’t just that it felt like it didn’t belong to her, it was also that her center of gravity had suddenly changed - again, and she felt empty and just, wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrongwrongwrongwrong-_

_Bastian’s soft laugh cut through the chorus in her head and she looked over sharply to where he was sitting on the edge of her back. Was looking down at the squirming thing in his arms, a look of pure adoration on his face._

_She swallowed quickly, hoping to force down the scream that was suddenly lodged at the back of her throat. Swallowed again and again, hoping that she’d manage to be faster than the scream that kept bubbling up._

* * *

She bit back the question what had happened to the fifty stickers requirement. Because as far as Delphine knew, the board on Charlotte’s door still only held 34 stickers, meaning that the girl was sixteen short of a trip to the Aquarium. Technically. Pointing it out, though, especially in front of Charlotte, would only lead to confusion for the girl.

She’d been surprised when Cosima invited her along. Not so much any more, when the brunette had admitted that it had been Abby’s suggestion she take Delphine along. In an attempt to link her to more positive experiences, for Charlotte.

The blonde was starting to think that the girl’s therapist was well aware, of the relationship between Cosima and her, and it made her both angry and scared. Cosima shouldn’t have gone and told the other woman about them. Especially not before clearing it with Delphine first. They never talked about, what the nature of their relationship actually was. If they were just fucking, or if it was more than that. It had been, for Delphine, even if the blonde was reluctant to admit that. Yet she didn’t appreciate Cosima going around and telling others about it. If word got to the wrong person, it could seriously impact Delphine’s work. Which was why she was upset, of course. It had nothing to do with her feeling as if the wall were closing in and she was trapped in a situation without a way out. Of course not.

She looked over to see Charlotte press her hand flat against the glass of the big shark tank. The girl pulled her hand back and then tried to match her fingertips back up to the prints she’d left behind on the glass.

“Still think they are stupid?” she asked her. Charlotte looked over with a frown before giving a shrug. Hugged Franklin to her chest as her eyes settled on one of the sharks circling the tank.

Charlotte hadn’t wanted to see the shark exhibit at first. She wanted to see the turtles, and then go home. Cosima had plans to stretch their visit of the Aquarium until after lunch time. Had the intention of at least trying to get Charlotte to eat something, anything, here. Her issues with food were still just as bad, if not getting even worse. Earlier, Delphine had watched the girl need a long time to pick something to drink from the concession stand, and then nearly have a meltdown when it didn’t come in a bottle, but a cup with a lid and straw. Cosima had needed ten minutes of explaining the situation to the person running the stand, before she’d managed to get a bottle of iced tea. It hadn’t been the promised once-a-week soda Charlotte had expected, and that had been its own issue, but the fact that it had been a sealed bottle no one had obviously opened before had finally won out and she’d accepted it and drank it.

Delphine thought the sharks were kind of neat. She liked them most, actually. Wasn’t a big fan of fishes or any sea creatures, besides octopuses, and the Aquarium didn’t have an exhibit with those at the moment. Their specimen was on breeding loan, apparently.

The blonde saw Charlotte tilt her head as a hammerhead shark made its way past them, her nose crinkling.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” she suddenly asked and Delphine felt her eyes bulging in her head. She’d been watching one of the smaller fish dart in and out of a hide on the tank floor, swirling up some of the sand. It had been kind of funny, though she was wondering why it was doing that.

She supposed it was an improvement, over Charlotte’s pouty question if Delphine had to come with them. The girl hadn’t seemed to be a fan of the idea of Delphine accompanying her and Cosima on their trip to the Aquarium, and Delphine had offered to stay behind, but Cosima had insisted. Had told Charlotte that Delphine was her friend and she had invited her, so she was coming along. The girl hadn’t liked the answer all that much, but seemed to accept it eventually, when they were in the car.

“Uh, no,” she slowly shook her head. “No, I do not have a boyfriend.”

The girl tilted her head, focusing on one of the baby sharks that was moving past them. Her nose crinkled briefly before she reached up and wiped it on her shirtsleeve.

“Cosima says some people are homosexual,” she suddenly declared. “That means they want to have sex with people that have the same parts as them,” she added helpfully as Delphine gaped at her. “Are you a homosexual?”

“Charlotte!”

The girl’s eyes widened at the sharpness in Cosima’s voice, and Delphine found herself looking at the brunette in shock, as well. She’d never heard her use that tone with the girl before. Cosima was always patient, always conscious of her tone and voice. She sometimes got a little annoyed, but she’d never reprimanded Charlotte as sharply as this.

“That’s, not what I said,” the brunette woman slowly shook her head and drew a calming breath. “It’s not about the parts someone has, and it’s not just about sex. Sometimes it’s not about sex, at all,” she frowned before shaking her head. “And you can’t ask people that.”

“Why?” Charlotte asked, frowning in apparent confusion.

“Because it is very rude,” Cosima shook her head at her. “Who someone likes, that’s a private thing. It’s extremely rude to ask someone if they’re gay, and can make them feel hurt, and embarrassed and awkward.”

Charlotte tilted her head slightly, gnawing on her lower lip as she inclined her head.

“I’m, sorry,” she said softly, and Delphine drew a deep breath.

“It’s okay,” she murmured. Hesitated and looked at Cosima, for a moment, before deciding that she wanted to do this right. “And to give you an answer, no, I am not gay, or homosexual,” she told her.

“Delphine-”

“It’s fine,” the blonde quickly waved Cosima off. “I, I’d like to answer.”

Charlotte looked at her in interest. “You’re not angry?” she asked, sounding weary.

“Non,” Delphine shook her head. “But Cosima is right. It is rude, to ask people a question like this. About their sexuality, or if they like someone.”

The girl frowned, hugging her stuffed turtle tighter against herself.

“And, uh, I, I am, bisexual,” she added, holding her breath for a moment as she wondered, if Cosima had also explained that to Charlotte.

To be honest, she hadn’t ever said this out loud, before. Before Cosima, her fleeting attraction to other women had always been that, fleeting. Dating one had never been an option, in Delphine’s mind. And then she’d met Bastian and fallen in love with him and thought she was going to be with him for the rest of her life…

She quickly shook her head to prevent herself from going further down that path. Bastian and their relationship, that was in the past. This, this was now. And now, she was with Cosima. They were dating, seeing each other, romantically. She was seeing another woman.

“Bi,” Charlotte repeated, her gaze growing distant. “From Latin, meaning ‘two’,” she recited, before looking at Delphine again. “You want to have sex, with two people?”

It made Cosima let out a loud groan as Delphine gave a sort of hysterical giggle. Oh boy. She hadn’t considered that Charlotte might take it like that, but then again, perhaps she should have known better. Delphine was pretty sure that gender wasn’t something that the girl was necessary aware of, nor how that played a role, in who someone was attracted to and why. Actually, from the perspective of a child, jumping from knowing that ‘bi’ meant two, to bisexual meaning wanting to sleep with two people, it made sense. She should have seen that one coming.

“You’re being rude, Charlie,” Cosima sighed as she hid her face in her hands. “I’m sorry,” she apologized to Delphine, who quickly shook her head.

“No, it’s, that was my fault,” she declared. “Bisexuality,” she continued, turning to Charlotte, “is the word people use to describe the attraction of someone who likes two or more genders,” she tried to explain. “In my case, it means that I, find men and women equally attractive. That’s not necessarily what everyone who is bisexual feels, but it is what I feel. That doesn’t mean I want to, have sex with two people at the same time, regardless of their gender. It means that, for me, it does not matter if the person is male or female.”

“Hm,” Charlotte hummed softly, turning back to the sharks, mulling what Delphine had said over.

Cosima stepped closer and bumped her shoulder against Delphine’s upper arm.

“You didn’t have to explain that,” she told her, her voice low. “I totally would have done it later-”

“Cosima,” Delphine murmured, worrying at her lower lip. “It’s okay. I wanted to, explain it. I, I do not like it, when people think of me as something I am not,” she added, her brows dipping. It was difficult to explain, but the thought of Charlotte, or anyone, thinking of her as straight when she clearly wasn’t… It, unsettled her. Even if it had taken her until recently to really discover and come to terms with her sexual orientation.

Maybe it was a general thing, the thought of being put into any box, that made her feel, not good. Labels were, difficult. While there came a certain amount of freedom with them, a relief of there being a word to express her feelings and the comfort of knowing she was not alone. At the same time, it felt like she had to now fit into a box and adhere to certain rules that she wasn’t sure entirely fit her and she felt restricted by at times.

“She probably doesn’t really understand it,” Cosima cautioned. “I mean, it’s a pretty complex topic, even for some adults, and she’s a kid. One with…”

“I know,” she nodded, inclining her head. She opened her mouth again, but before she could say anything, Charlotte’s next question cut her off.

“You had sex with each other, didn’t you?”

Delphine whipped around and stared at the girl in complete shock.

“What?” Cosima squeaked, her eyes wide.

“You’re homosexual. You said you like Delphine. You always tell me you are going to be at her place after you put me to bed-”

“Not always,” Cosima protested weakly. Delphine refrained from pointing out just how many times she had taken earlier clients recently, so she could be home in the evening and spend the night with Cosima. Suffice it to say, it had been a lot. Not that she was complaining, of course not. But Cosima’s protest really didn’t have much to stand on, given recent history.

Charlotte watched them, waiting for an answer for her question, and Delphine found herself squirming uncomfortably under her gaze. She didn’t know, if this was a question that should be answered, nor what the answer was supposed to be. It was obvious that Charlotte struggled with interpersonal relationships. She found it difficult, to relate to other people at times, but when she did, her attention could become, intense. Delphine thought that that was one of the reasons why the girl didn’t particularly like her. She didn’t like that she was taking away Cosima’s attention and time from Charlotte, besides the other things.

Cosima swallowed and crouched down in front of the girl. She tapped her hand, her brows dipping a little as she tried to collect her thoughts.

“I know this is, a lot, and confusing, and all kinds of strange, for you…” she started before drawing a deep breath. “But yes. I like Delphine. I really, really like her. I like her smile, and the way her nose crinkles when she’s trying to figure something out. I like that she really, really tries. I like being with her,” Cosima explained.

Charlotte shifted on her feet, looking away, before she let out a deep sigh.

“Can Art make sure there are no kids, at the next place?” she asked, her voice barely audible. Delphine frowned in confusion as Cosima’s eyes widened and the brunette slid down to her knees.

“Oh sweetie, no,” she murmured, shaking her head vehemently. “No, Charlie, hey, look at me,” she asked, but Charlotte pulled back, hiding her face in Franklin’s shell as she rocked herself. “Charlotte, this doesn’t mean you have to leave,” Cosima told her and Delphine let out a soft gasp of surprise. She hadn’t considered that Charlotte could think that Cosima would make her leave, now that they were together. Hadn’t thought that the girl would believe they’d get rid of her.

“Hey, look,” Cosima said, tilting her head. “Look, Delphine and I, we have been dating, for a while. And you are still with me, yes?”

At that, Charlotte risked peeking out from behind her stuffed animal, watching Cosima with furrowed brows.

“Charlotte, I promise you, you’re not leaving. Not because of this, at least,” Cosima shook her head with a small smile. “Art isn’t looking for another family, for you. He thinks we’re doing really well, and he’d like for you to stay with me for a long time. And I want that, too. I’m your guardian. That means I’m responsible, for you. I don’t get to pick someone else, over you, Charlie, nor would I want to.”

At those words, Charlotte’s eyes narrowed, and she glanced over at Delphine.

“You won’t pick her, over me?” she asked softly, eyes weary.

Her blood was rushing in her ears, Delphine’s heartbeat thundering in her chest. She knew what Cosima’s answer would be. What it had to be. Cosima was a mother, even if she might not call herself that, even if Charlotte might not refer to her as such. But she was the one taking care of the girl, and Charlotte had to come first, always. She needed Cosima, needed her to look after her, and that was what Cosima had agreed to, when she took the girl in.

“I rather not have to pick at all,” Cosima said, after swallowing thickly. “But no, I wouldn’t. If it came down to it, I’d choose you, Charlie. Always.”

“Promise,” the girl demanded, lowering Franklin to hug him to her chest, her arms crossed over his shell.

“I promise I’ll always pick you, Charlotte,” Cosima told her, a soft smile tugging on her lips.

Delphine took a deep breath and inched backwards, giving the two some more room, before she was able to turn around and leave the exhibit.

Outside, she clenched her eyes shut and forced herself to take a few deep breaths. When she opened them again, she looked for the sign marking the way to the exit and set off in that direction, her nails biting into the palms of her hands as she clenched her fists and tried desperately not to cry.

* * *

Clarke was slowly inching her way towards the small bowl of popcorn on the floor. It made her wonder, if the tiny thing could eat it. Probably not a good idea, to test it, given how extremely attached Charlotte already was, to the tiny thing.

“Are you still watching?” Cosima asked and reached out to touch the girl’s shoulder. For the past five minutes, she hadn’t been paying attention to the TV at all, humming to herself and alternating between watching Clarke, and rubbing her fingers over an old shirt of Cosima’s. Something about the material had caught her attention, Cosima had put it aside for donating and Charlotte had dug it out and refused to let it go two days ago.

“Yes,” the girl nodded, glancing briefly at the screen, before turning her attention back to Clarke. “Can I put her back?”

Delphine’s eyebrows rose in surprise at the question. It was usually Cosima, who told Charlotte that the turtle had to go back into its enclosure, and usually, Charlotte wasn’t that happy about it. She did it, in the end, but it was always accompanied by pouting and then at least half an hour of Charlotte watching the turtle afterwards, as if she was unable to part with her just yet.

“Of course,” Cosima nodded and got up, carefully stepping around Charlotte and the turtle to open the door to the enclosure. Charlotte picked up her pet and carried her over, gently putting her back into her tank, before turning to Delphine.

“You can go now,” she declared with a satisfied nod.

“I’m sorry?” the blonde asked in surprise, her brows rising as she gave Cosima a puzzled look.

“You always stay until Clarke is back in her tank. She is now. So now you can go.”

“Charlotte,” Cosima sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

It had been her idea, to continue the almost daily visits, for the time being. To slowly reduce their number and the time Delphine was in their apartment, so as to keep from upsetting Charlotte with a sudden change.

That day at the Aquarium, when Delphine had left without a word, she’d later texted Cosima and told her that she thought it was better, if they stopped seeing each other. The brunette hadn’t really understood. The thing was, she had Charlotte. She had the girl to think of, and as she’d just promised her, she would chose Charlotte over Delphine, over anyone. And Delphine, the fact remained, she wasn’t ready to be, anything, to a child.

She hated herself for it. Hated herself for having allowed them to get this far. Hated that she’d been seeing Cosima romantically for months. Hated that she’d allowed herself to get so close, to both her and Charlotte. It wasn’t that she hated the girl. She actually kind of, liked her. But Charlotte clearly wasn’t a fan of hers, and she apparently needed the security of knowing Cosima was there for her and her only. It was fine. Delphine understood.

She would have quietly slipped from Charlotte’s life, but her autism made that difficult. It would be a big change, and as such, was bound to upset the girl. And as much as it pained Delphine, she didn’t want to hurt her any more than she already had, so she’d agreed, to continuing the visits.

“What?” the girl snapped, giving Cosima a look, before she turned to glare at Delphine. “She makes you cry. I don’t want her here.”

Delphine’s eyes flew to Cosima and she saw the brunette tense before she looked away quickly, her jaw working.

“Charlie, can you… Is it okay, if I go over, to Delphine’s place, with her?” Cosima asked, her voice soft. “Her and I need to talk.”

The girl scowled and crossed her arms, huffing.

“No.”

“Charlotte-”

“No!” she yelled, stomping her foot. “She’s mean! She left! She makes you cry all the time! I don’t want her here, I want her gone!” the girl exclaimed, stomping over to the couch. Delphine quickly got up and started backing away, not entirely sure what Charlotte was about to do. She had seen her hit Cosima and Abby, but that had been during meltdowns. This, this wasn’t one, Delphine didn’t think. It just seemed like the girl was really upset and angry, and-

“Get out!” Charlotte yelled, pushing at her as Delphine backed down the hallway. “Get you, we don’t want you here!”

“Okay, okay!” the blonde muttered, reaching up to wipe at the tear on her cheek. “I’m going, I’m leaving, Charlotte. It’s okay, I’m, I’m leaving,” she muttered and fumbled behind herself. Managed, to grab the doorknob and twist it, stumbling out into the hallway. Charlotte stuck out her tongue at her before pulling the door shut, leaving Delphine to stand there, dumbfounded, to stare at the door as her chest heaved with her breaths. She finally managed to shake her head and get herself moving again, down the hallway and into her own apartment.

Inside, she closed the door, and leaned against it with her back. Closed her eyes and slid down onto the floor as tears began to roll down her cheeks. This, this was all her fault. She’d done this. Done this to Charlotte, done this to Cosima. She was the one that had upset the girl, and the one that apparently made Cosima cry more than once. She’d known, known that she wasn’t good with children. Known that she didn’t want to be around them. Yet that hadn’t stopped her, from getting close to Cosima and Charlotte, and now everything was in ruins once again, and it all was her fault and hers alone. She never should have kissed the other woman, never should have slept with her, never should have acted like there was any kind of chance at a relationship between them. She’d been reckless and stupid and such an idiot, and now two wonderful people were suffering, because of her, and it was all only her fault.

Delphine wrapped her arms around her knees as she drew them up and started crying in earnest.

* * *

_Please. Please, Delphine. I, I don’t know, what is going on, but we, we can fix it. You just, you just need help. We’ll find you a therapist, it’ll get better. You’ll see. I promise. Come on, Delphine. Annie loves you. She needs you. You’re her mother, you can’t just, leave her. Abandon us. Please, sweetheart. Please. Come home, yes? This is all, all, craziness. We’ll forget all about it. I promise. We’ll get you help, yeah? And then you can, you can come back, to me, to us. To Annie and me. Yes? Just say yes, sweetheart. Please, Delphine. If I, if I did something wrong, just tell me. I promise I’ll fix it, I promise I’ll do everything, anything you want me to. Just please, please come home. Please, Delphine. Please._


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II and Epilogue
> 
> Merry Shitscram!

Her fingers twisted into the soft material of her pants. Delphine watched, fascinated, as she let go, and observed the wrinkles in the fabric.

“Delphine?”

She looked up sharply, her eyes widening at the mild concern on the other woman’s face.

“Sorry,” she breathed, shame burning across her face as she looked away. Her eyes settled on a bird on the windowsill, happily tilting its head this way and that.

“It’s okay,” the woman said, and Delphine could still feel her eyes on her. Watching her. “Where did you go?” she asked, after a pause.

The blonde swallowed thickly and resisted the urge to close her eyes again.

“Nowhere,” she murmured, the automatic response that lingered in her head still too strong. She cringed, and the fingers of her left hand twisted into her pants again, tugging on the cloth.

The therapist waited, not speaking this time.

Delphine exhaled and opened her eyes again.

“M-my, birthday,” she finally said.

“Oh?”

The blonde slowly nodded, worrying at her lower lip before she caught herself. She reached up, rubbing her index finger over the soft flesh, relieved when it came back clean, no blood on the skin.

“Which birthday?” her therapist asked. “How old were you?”

Delphine hesitated, before slowly shaking her head no, and allowing a shuddering breath to leave her. “I, don’t want to talk about it,” she told her.

“Why not?”

That, was important. She knew that they had set that, as one of their goals. For Delphine to learn to allow herself to feel certain emotions again. To feel them, and identify them. And then talk about them, figure out where they came from.

Still, she shifted uncomfortably in the large armchair. Reached up and ran a hand through her hair, eyes darting to the clock on the wall. She still had eleven minutes of this session left. Certainly not a record, if she chose not to speak for the remainder, but it would be a, step back.

Slowly, she shook her head. Forced herself to draw a deep breath and then let it out again, before doing it again.

“I feel,” she began, hesitating. Trapped, exposed, vulnerable, trapped, sad, trapped, trapped, trappedtrappedtrappedtra- “Sad.”

“Okay,” her therapist nodded, making a note on her clipboard. “Do you think we could talk about the reason why you felt sad, at the memory?”

“No,” she answered, her brows dipping. “Not because I want to avoid it,” she added quickly, before inclining her head. “Well, not just because of that,” she admitted. She hesitated, looking back outside, to see the bird was still there, now huddle in a corner, feathers puffed up against the cold. “I, wanted to ask. Cosima invited me over, for dinner. And I, I wasn’t sure… do you think I should, accept?”

Her therapist tilted her head slightly, watching her.

“That is your choice,” she reminded her. “Why do you feel hesitant, about accepting her invitation? You said things were going well earlier.”

Delphine swallowed, her jaw clenching. Things were, progressing. She wasn’t entirely certain if they were ‘going well’, if she was honest. But it seemed like they were improving, so that, that had to be something, right? Cosima and her were speaking again. Were slowly trying to build, something, from the wreckage that Delphine had caused before.

“I, do not want to, hurt her, again,” she said, belatedly realizing that she was biting down on her lip again. The taste of copper and the pain made her let out a soft hiss and curse and she reached up to press her fingers to her lip before reaching out with the other hand to grab a tissue from the box on the small table in front of the armchair. She replaced her fingers with the tissue, pressing it against the wound, berating herself in her head.

“Understandable,” her therapist nodded as she searched her face. “What about Charlotte?”

She couldn’t help herself, Delphine flinched at the name.

“It’s on Respite Day. She, wouldn’t be home,” she answered, her voice barely audible. Part of her felt guilty, for this. Charlotte knew that Cosima and her were talking again. She knew that they were seeing each other, sometimes. Cosima hadn’t told her, what Charlotte’s reaction had been, but from her expression, Delphine guessed that it hadn’t been a happy one.

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Relieved,” Delphine whispered as she clenched her eyes shut, the tears welling up again. “Relieved, because, because sh-she hates me, and sh-she’s right to do it,” she stammered. “I am, horrible, and I don’t, don’t deserve Cosima, or her forgiveness. I messed up so badly, and Charlotte is right, I should just stay away and leave them be-”

“Cosima doesn’t want you to stay away,” her therapist calmly interjected into Delphine’s tearful rant. “It sounds to me like she very much cares about you not leaving her be,” she added. “You have told me that almost all your conversations are initiated by Cosima. That she calls you and texts you first almost every time. That does not sound like someone who wants you to stay away.”

The blonde shook her head and hid her face in her hands, resting her elbows on her thighs as she tried to get a grip on her emotions again. She hated this. She hated it so much. How weak she was. How she kept crying, in front of a stranger, every time they touched the topic of Cosima and Delphine’s relationship with the other woman. She didn’t want to be like this. Didn’t want to be so weak and pathetic. Wanted to be able to deal with her stuff by herself, like any normal person would be. Didn’t want to need help, especially not that of a shrink.

It was still, difficult. To accept that this, this was part of her reality now. Weekly therapy sessions, to work through her, issues, and baggage. Even after two months, it felt like they were getting nowhere. Like they’d barely managed to begin scratching the surface of the myriad of Delphine’s issues and difficulties.

One of which was definitely her relationships. And her inability to allow herself to feel her emotions. Her sense of self-loathing and disgust. Her own abandonment issues. The guilt she had repressed, over abandoning her own child. Feelings of inadequacy. The list was pretty long.

“Do you think you want to have dinner with Cosima?”

Delphine clenched her eyes shut, her throat burning as she tried to force the answer back down.

“Yes,” she whispered as it broke free regardless. Yes, she wanted to have dinner with Cosima. She wanted to see her. Wanted to be with her. Not necessarily in a romantic context. Delphine would have been more than happy just to be in the same room as the brunette, without even touching.

“Then perhaps that should be your answer,” her therapist suggested. Delphine slowly lowered her hands and drew a deep breath.

“What if,” she started, her voice hitching, “what if I, mess up again? What if I do something that hurts her again? I don’t want to disappoint her-”

“Delphine,” the other woman cut her off before she could dissolve into another one of her long self-demeaning rambles. Before she could list every possible flaw she possessed and how those meant that Cosima shouldn’t be wanting to be with her, should stay away from her, for her own sake, and Charlotte’s-

“Sorry,” she apologized. “I, I’m, nervous,” she admitted, licking her lips. “I don’t want to mess it up again.”

“You could tell Cosima that,” her therapist pointed out, causing Delphine to stare at the other woman in shock. “You can tell her what you feel, Delphine. Tell her that you worry, about making another mistake, or perhaps repeating past ones. It will help her understand the times when you become withdrawn and push her away.”

The blonde swallowed thickly and inclined her head. Maybe that was an option. Maybe she could tell Cosima that she was trying very hard not to cause her more pain, and sometimes didn’t know how to do that.

“Maybe,” Delphine mumbled and saw her therapist look over at the clock, to see that it had run over just a little.

“Alright,” the woman nodded. “I think here is a good point to end it, for today. Do you have any urgent concerns we have to address?”

Slowly, Delphine shook her head and forced herself to stand. She took her therapists hand and shook it, before turning to leave her office, her mind feeling very much like very oozy scrambled eggs still getting shaken around. She doubted that that would change, anytime soon, since it was how she usually felt, after a session.

* * *

“I, I got one, for Charlotte, as well,” she stammered and wrung her hands. “A present, I mean. I haven’t wrapped it yet, I thought, maybe you wanted a look first, see if it’s appropriate…” Delphine trailed off.

Cosima looked up from her present and blinked before slowly lowering the package to the couch. She stood and wordlessly wrapped her arms around Delphine, causing the blonde to tense, before she relaxed. Brought her arms up to hug Cosima back and hid her face in her hair for a moment, just enjoying the fact that they were this close.

“You didn’t have to get either one of us anything,” Cosima murmured as she pulled back.

“I know,” Delphine nodded. “But I, I wanted to,” she added with a frown. “I got her some kinetic sand, to play with. You said she doesn’t like those, putty things or slimes, because of sensory issues, but dry stuff is usually fine…” she trailed off, suddenly worried that it might have been the wrong choice. She still had the receipt, she could return it, no problem. Exchange it for something that Charlotte would like more.

“Kinetic sand sounds very nice,” Cosima smiled. “When you wrap it, can you just do a bow, for the ribbon? That way, she won’t need scissors to take the wrapping off.”

“Of course,” Delphine nodded, a blush coloring her cheeks. She hadn’t considered that a simple bow would be easier for the child to take apart, and possibly be more entertaining than having to cut it. She was grateful, for the hint.

“Can I open mine now, or do I have to wait until Christmas Eve?” Cosima asked, tilting her head.

“You, you can open it now,” Delphine answered. “I didn’t know, how you were doing Christmas, with Charlotte. The Santa thing, I mean. I thought, if I gave it to you when she’s not around, it wouldn’t ruin any potential illusions…” she trailed off, her cheeks flaming as Cosima stared at her.

“What?” Delphine murmured, ducking her head as she reached up to touch the back of her head, immensely self-conscious.

“How are you so considerate?” she asked, her voice barely audible. Delphine’s head flew up, her jaw dropping as she stared at the brunette, taken by complete surprise. Cosima reached up to cradle her face, her eyes searching Delphine’s before she pushed herself onto her tiptoes and brushed her lips over the blonde’s.

A whimper escaped her as Delphine’s eyes closed. Her mouth opened and she kissed back before she could even think of stopping herself. It had been so long. Such a long time, since she’d gotten to kiss Cosima, and she’d missed it, so so much.

She didn’t blame the brunette, for needing time. Delphine had needed it, as well. Still needed it, to be honest. But she was making improvements, now. Even though they were still painfully slow and miniscule, there were some improvements nonetheless. Her first thought now, upon kissing Cosima, upon feeling the brunette melt against her again, wasn’t that she didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t that she had ruined her chance and shouldn’t be doing this, that she was only bound to hurt Cosima again.

No, her first thought was how giddy she felt, at the contact. How wonderful it felt, to have Cosima’s lips move over her own again.

Delphine let out a soft sigh and slowly reached up, touching the backs of Cosima’s upper arms to keep her close, but not restricting her like a full-on embrace would have.

“Delphine,” Cosima sighed against her mouth. The blonde felt herself swallow thickly at the huskiness of Cosima’s voice. She yearned, she wanted, so much so that it hurt.

“I know,” she whispered and touched her forehead against the smaller woman’s. Drew a shuddering breath, in an attempt to clear her head a little of the hazy fog of longing and the lust that was coiling in her belly. She wanted to tell her, that it was a bad idea. To tell Cosima she wasn’t ready, not yet. But the words wouldn’t come. They felt too much like a lie, her lips refused to form around them.

In the end, it was Cosima who withdrew. Who nudged her nose against Delphine’s before pulling back and taking a step away. She went back to the couch and picked up the small present. Made a show of inspecting it and shaking it against her ear, one that Delphine knew was Cosima’s attempt to lighten the mood, to make her feel less crowded, less like there were so many expectations closing in on her.

“Book?” she guessed and Delphine crossed her arms before giving a small shrug.

“You have to open it to find out,” she told her. The brunette tilted her head, looking over at the Christmas Tree in the corner, with the presents under it. She tilted her head before she went over and placed the present there.

“For the record,” Cosima said as she straightened again and took Delphine’s hand, “she does believe, in Santa. One of the presents is from him, the rest are from me. We can do it, however you like. We can put your name on the present, and let Charlie know it’s from you, or we put Santa, if you’d prefer that.”

Delphine swallowed thickly and inclined her head, her teeth digging into her lower lip.

“I, I think I, want it to have my name on it,” she said after a few moments. Felt Cosima give her hand a squeeze and risked a glance at her to find the brunette smile at her brilliantly.

“Then you wrap it up and put a tag or sticker on it, and we’ll put it under the tree, and she can find out about it on Christmas morning,” Cosima nodded before leaning up to brush her lips over Delphine’s cheek again, making the blonde turn her face into the touch and lean in closer. She hesitated before leaning down to capture Cosima’s lips again, and much to her relief, felt the brunette grin against hers before she felt her fingers at the back of her head, pulling Delphine down for an intense kiss that made her see stars.

* * *

Delphine shifted, carefully wrapping the blanket around the girl sitting on the edge of the bed.

One of the other guests had called down, complaining about the noise. She’d seen the room number and figured that it would be better, if she took the call, instead of her colleague. Figured that it was one of Jackie’s girls and that she might know Delphine. That she’d issue a warning and that that would be it.

She hadn’t considered she’d find a sobbing girl with bruises beginning to swell up her face, blood oozing from a cut in her lower lip, the asshole nowhere in sight.

“You’re going to be okay,” she told her as she crouched down in front of her. “This, this wasn’t your fault.”

The girl looked away, sniffling softly. She didn’t push her. The few bad clients Delphine had had, none of them had ever gotten as violent as this. She was pretty sure that it hadn’t stopped at the punches, either.

She leaned back, not wanting to crowd her as they waited for the police. Delphine had given her the option, of leaving, before she called them. She knew that, more likely than not, she wouldn’t have wanted to press charges, herself. Wouldn’t have wanted to deal with cops and having to describe what had happened and reliving it. Wouldn’t have wanted a doctor to examine her, collect samples, whatnot.

The girl had surprised her by wanting to stay. She looked, dreadful, and the bruising would only get worse. Even if Delphine had had one of her colleagues bring up some ice as a relief.

She didn’t know her. Had never met her before, and her name didn’t ring any bell, either. Neither her work alias, not her actual name. Then again, Delphine knew that girls were constantly coming and going. Plus, she’d been pretty sure that Jackie would look for a long time replacement for her, when she’d quit.

At the sound of a soft knock on the door, she stood and went over. Pulled the door closed behind herself as she stepped out into the hallway at the sight of the two detectives. At least they were women. And only one of them was in uniform. Delphine breathed a deep sigh of relief, before she introduced herself.

“We’ll need your statement, of course,” the younger one of the cops told her and Delphine swallowed, before nodding.

“Of course,” she murmured, tilting her head. “She, uh… She’s very shaken,” she warned them. “If it’s alright, I would, I would like to, stay.”

“Do you know her?” the other of the officers asked. Delphine slowly shook her head no.

“No,” she admitted. Hesitated, for a moment, then added, “But I, used to work, for her boss, as well. I have been in that room, and not as an employee of the hotel,” she told them. Looked away, for a moment. “I think she needs a friendly face. Someone who, doesn’t judge her.”

“Alright,” the older woman nodded and motioned for her to open the door. Delphine did, mentally bracing herself for the sight of the young escort again, before she stepped inside the hotel room.

* * *

Soft kisses, trailing down her back. Delphine blinked slowly, reaching up to brush her hair out of her face.

“Mornin’,” Cosima’s breath tickled her neck as the brunette whispered against her skin, before resuming her ministrations.

The blonde let out a soft hum of contentment and closed her eyes again, just for a moment, before she opened them again and turned onto her side, to watch the brunette. Cosima grinned at her, her tongue poking at the back of her teeth.

“So, what’s the verdict?” she asked with a tilt of her head as she sat up, bouncing a little on the bed. “Comfy?”

“Hm,” Delphine hummed, reaching up to rub the heel of her palm over her eye. She blinked up at the brunette, struck by how awake she was. “Why are you so…” she frowned and lifted her head to look over at the alarm on Cosima’s nightstand. It was still ten minutes to eight, and Delphine plopped back into the pillows with a soft groan.

“Just, happy,” Cosima said and Delphine felt the bed shift and then the brunette was snuggling up against her. Threw an arm over Delphine’s middle and pressed her nose against the spot where her neck met her shoulder. She heard her inhale loudly and let out a soft laugh.

“I need a shower,” she whispered, wrapping an arm around the smaller woman.

“Maybe,” Cosima agreed. Delphine opened her eyes and shivered when she felt her trace her collarbone carefully. “I have to get Charlie up in a little.”

“I know,” Delphine nodded. Resisted the urge to bite at her lip. It wasn’t the first night she’d spent over, since moving out of her place. Even though being a concierge at the hotel gave her a regular income that wasn’t all that bad, it wasn’t enough to hold onto her old apartment, at least not in the long term. It had hurt, packing up her things and moving. She’d liked the place, and being just next to Cosima had certainly made things much easier. Now she lived thirty-five minutes away, by public transport, and since she didn’t have a license, navigating that had been a bit of a challenge, in the beginning.

Charlotte knew she’d stayed over. Neither Cosima nor Delphine wanted to sneak around the girl again, not when that had probably contributed for their difficulties in the beginning. And Charlotte was slowly letting go, of her lingering resentment towards the blonde. She didn’t let her take care of her any more, at least not alone, and Delphine understood. She’d betrayed her trust, she’d hurt both her and Cosima, and while Cosima had been easy to forgive her, given the magnitude of her wrongdoings, Charlotte hadn’t. They were slowly getting reacquainted, though, slowly doing things to build up the girl’s trust again.

It was, difficult. Delphine still caught herself wanting to run, especially when there were improvements in Charlotte’s attitude towards her. The other day, Abby had instructed Delphine in how to plate the food, and it had been the first time that Charlotte had actually eaten her portion when knowing that Delphine had had an involvement in putting it together. She still didn’t like her touching her, pushed her away vehemently when Delphine did it. Nor did she allow her in the bathroom or let her help with any of that stuff. It, hurt, the stark contrast to the time when Charlotte had actually chosen her over Cosima once, to help her shower, but again, Delphine certainly didn’t blame the girl. She knew that it was her own fault. She’d been the one that had messed up so badly, that had really screwed up and hurt her. And if Charlotte needed more time, to learn to trust her again, that was fine. If she never did again, then Delphine would live with that, too.

Cosima slipped her hand under Delphine’s shirt, searching her eyes. The blonde let out a soft sigh and arched into the touch, before she caught herself.

“Cosima,” she warned and reached down to still her exploring hand before it could reach her breasts. “It’s early,” she murmured. “Charlotte will be up soon, if she isn’t. I don’t want her…” she trailed off, looking away.

“Right,” Cosima nodded and tapped her fingers against Delphine’s skin. Leaned in for a quick kiss before pulling her hand back and getting out of bed. Delphine sat up and watched, as the brunette stripped, taking of her tank top and panties she’d slept in and grabbing fresh clothes for the day. She reached up and ran a hand through her curls, desire pooling in the pit of her stomach.

They’d come close, last night. Had gotten carried away, in their kisses and gentle touches. Delphine had nearly forgotten herself, but then Cosima’s fingers ghosting over the crotch of her panties had shattered the illusion and she’d tensed up again and pushed her away.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to. She did. Kind of. It was just… navigating this, this new attempt at a relationship and rediscovering her emotions and everything, it made things that used to be so easy so complex. She wanted to treat sex the way she had, before. Like it wasn’t a big deal. But it kind of was, she was discovering. Just because she had managed to turn of her head before, had managed to check out on her feelings, that didn’t mean it had been healthy, what she’d been doing. And Delphine had to admit that, besides being nervous, she wasn’t entirely sure that she was ready to sleep with Cosima again just yet.

She was still attracted to her. It wasn’t that. Kissing her, that was still amazing and turned her on. And she didn’t regret the times they’d had sex in the past, certainly not. It was just… She knew that when they slept together again, that it would, mean something. And the blonde wasn’t sure if she was ready for what it was that it would mean. Not yet, at least.

“I’ll fix breakfast, do you wanna hop in the shower in the meantime?” Cosima asked her as she emerged again, from the ensuite bathroom.

“Hm,” Delphine nodded, slowly moving to the edge of the bed. She held out a hand and Cosima took it, allowing Delphine to pull her closer, between her legs. The brunette placed her hands on Delphine’s shoulders and leaned down to kiss her softly.

“I really hate your toothpaste,” Delphine sighed against Cosima’s lips, tearing a soft laugh from the woman.

“Too bad,” she teased. “I’m not changing it for you. I happen to like bubblegum.”

The blonde shook her head and cradled Cosima’s face for a moment, carefully stroking her thumbs over her cheeks. “You’re lucky I love you,” she whispered, meeting Cosima’s eyes. Watched as they widened in surprise, and then the brunette broke into a big grin.

“I am,” she agreed. “And I love you, too,” she added, leaning in for a gentle kiss. One that was cut off by a loud thud.

“If she tried to get the cereal down again…” Cosima groaned and went to check what exactly Charlotte had been doing to produce a sound like that, leaving Delphine to stare after her, kind of dizzy with love.

* * *

Delphine swallowed thickly and reached up to brush her hair behind her ear. Hesitated, before she lowered her hand again into her lap, to twist the fingers into the material of her skirt.

Opposite her, Bastian’s jaw worked as he glared into his coffee.

She’d found him on Facebook, after a while of searching. The profile picture had thrown her, the image of a woman and a child. But then she’d clicked on the images he had, and seen him, and realized that the woman, that wasn’t a new girlfriend, or wife, or partner, or whatever. It was his sister, posing with her niece. His daughter. Their child.

“She, does dancing,” he suddenly said. Looked up and searched her face. Looked for, what? A reaction? A hint of her not being a cold, emotionless monster?

Delphine swallowed and inclined her head.

“She likes it?” she asked softly and looked up again in time to see him nod.

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Yeah, she likes it. She’s pretty good, I guess, too. You know, for a, five year old,” he added softly with a shrug.

Five. She wasn’t sure, but something about the number just, it made her stomach turn. It had been five years since all of it had spiraled so badly out of control. Since she’d abandoned her daughter and run away.

“I looked for you,” he said and Delphine nodded.

“I know,” she sighed. Reached out, to wrap a hand around the coffee pot sitting in front of her. “I, didn’t want to be found,” she admitted after a moment. “It was… too much.”

Bastian gave a snort and shook his head.

“Because I wasn’t scared, or overwhelmed, or any of that,” he said.

It made her close her eyes and take a few calming breaths. They were her feelings. She was allowed to have them. It was not her job to be the pillar for others and hold them up. She was allowed to need help. Allowed to be scared, and overwhelmed.

“You wanted a child,” she finally said.

“And you didn’t?”

“No,” Delphine shook her head. Watched, as Bastian’s eyes widened in surprise and he stared at her, completely shocked. Delphine swallowed and lifted her mug of coffee to her lips, to take a sip, buy herself some time. When she lowered it again, he was still staring. “I did not want to have a child. I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t think I ever would be.”

“Then why didn’t you…” he began, but trailed off weakly.

“You wouldn’t have forgiven me, if you’d found out,” she told him, meeting his eyes for a moment, before she looked away in shame. Looked out the diner window, and watched the people walk past. “When you found out, you were so, happy… I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to, to be the cause of happiness in you,” she admitted, her brows dipping. “I didn’t think it would get as bad as it did, but by the end… The only thought I had, the only thing that made sense, was to leave. To get out as long as I still could. So, I, I did,” she shrugged. Chanced a glance at him, to see his crestfallen expression.

“I am sorry,” she apologized softly. “For, doing this, to you. For everything. I know me saying this, it doesn’t make things any better, or erase what I did…”

Bastian swallowed and crossed his arms. He inclined his head, kicking out his legs a little.

“I thought… When you messaged me, I thought it was to say that you were done with, whatever it was. That you were going to tell me you were done running now, and wanted to come home…” he trailed off, looking up to meet her eyes. “You’re not coming home, are you?”

Delphine forced herself to take a breath, her heart hammering in her throat. Slowly, she shook her head no.

“No,” she whispered, her heart aching as he saw his face fall, the hopeful glimmer in his eyes winking out. “I, I can’t,” she murmured and reached up to rub her hands over her face.

He didn’t understand. That much was for certain, now.

If she went with him, he would expect her to be, a mother. He’d expect her to be this warm, nice, loving creature filled with patience and wisdom and the answers to every problem. But that, that wasn’t who she was. She wasn’t warm and loving, neither one of those things described her, and they certainly didn’t come naturally, to her.

That probably was the biggest difference, between Bastian and Cosima. Where he assumed and left her to figure out how she was going to meet his expectations, Cosima asked. She checked in with her, and she never, ever made Delphine bad, for not being the perfect example of a nurturing influence. It was hard, to communicate with Cosima. To tell her how she felt, especially when it hit on things where she felt one way but knew she was expected to feel differently than she actually did. And if, after months of therapy and learning to communicate with Cosima, she still found it so difficult at times that she shut her out and withdrew into herself again, then Delphine couldn’t even imagine what it would be like, trying to explain herself to Bastian.

She did know that it wouldn’t work. It never had, in the past. Every time she’d tried, every time she’d hinted at not meeting an expectation, he’d given her this confused look and then changed the topic. In his mind, she had been perfect, and she had tried so hard to be just that, that she’d ended up losing herself in the process. And part of her, she longed to go back to him. There was still this part that demanded she meet his expectations and that of society. That she go with him and try to fix what she had done, and be a mother to their child.

But the bigger part of her now understood that down that path, there would only be misery for her. She’d end up hating herself again in a short time, when she failed to be the person Bastian wanted her to be, on the inside. Would grow resentful of her own shortcomings and failures and mistakes, and the general sense of feeling trapped that would come with the whole deal of being with the father of her child and the child itself.

Bastian drew a deep breath and leaned back in his seat. He shook his head and looked away, his jaw working again. She wanted to reach out and touch his hands. Wanted to make him look at her and see, wanted so desperately to have him understand what she couldn’t describe. There was still this, this aching black hole inside herself. This darkness inside of her that scared her so badly, at times. That made her recoil from Cosima’s touch when it got too bad and it felt like it was going to spread out and consume the woman she loved, as well.

Cosima didn’t judge. The first time Delphine had found the words and the courage to describe it to her, she’d just listened and told her it was okay. That, if it got too overwhelming, Delphine could tell her, and she’d try and figure out a way to, turn up the light, so to speak, and help push it back down.

But just sitting here with him, and hearing him say that he’d thought she’d contacted him to tell him she was ready to be with him now… It made the darkness swell again. Fed it into a raging monster that coiled within her and whispered into her ear, reminding her of all the mistakes she had made and all her shortcomings and all she wanted to do right now, was to all Cosima and hear her voice and cling to the warmth in it.

She wasn’t ready, to be with Bastian. Wasn’t ready, to be a mother. And she was slowly coming to terms with the fact that she would probably never be. Being with him, it never would be a good idea, for her. Not when it was so easy for her to lose herself when pressured to meet someone else’s expectations.

“I am sorry,” she apologized. Swallowed, and searched for the right words. “I, understand, if you think that she, shouldn’t know about this.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that would be good, for her,” he agreed.

Delphine drew a slow breath. She wanted to tell him, that it wasn’t because she didn’t care. She’d thought she didn’t, thought that this darkness was because she didn’t care, because she was a monster. But she did care. She cared, so much, so incredibly much, that she just couldn’t fathom not being exactly what both of them needed, for them, if she were a part of their lives.

“If she ever asks, about me… Why I did it, why I left… Do you think, if I, sent you a letter… Maybe you could, let her have that?” she inquired carefully. Bastian clenched his jaw, grinding his teeth, and she knew that, whatever it was he said now, any letter she gave him would never reach their child.

“Maybe,” he still answered. “I mean, I’d read it first, you know? To make sure she’d be able to, handle it.”

“Of course,” Delphine nodded, resisting the urge to duck her head. Instead, she tried a trembling smile, before she reached for her coffee again, hoping it would help warm her from the inside as she felt so cold, all of a sudden.

* * *

Her fingers trembled as Delphine slowly slipped her hand into Cosima’s underwear. Heard the brunette let out a sigh before she pulled her into another deep kiss, and then touched her forehead against Delphine’s.

“You’re shaking,” she pointed out, searching her eyes.

“Nerves,” the blonde replied softly. Drew a deep breath, and forced herself to pause. To take a look at her feelings, and actually give herself a moment to figure out, if she wanted this.

“Hey,” Cosima murmured and reached down to pull her hand away again before Delphine could figure it out. “I’d like to snuggle,” she told her, waiting.

Delphine leaned back and knelt on the bed, worrying at her lower lip. “I want more, Cosima,” she finally replied and reached for the hem of her shirt. Pulled it up, over her head, before tossing it in the general direction of Cosima’s hamper. The brunette’s eyes darted to her naked chest and Delphine watched her swallow thickly, fingers twitching at Cosima’s sides before the brunette stopped herself.

“Please, Cosima,” she whispered, leaning down to capture her lips again.

They’d made out the whole time the movie had been playing, earlier, and it had left her whole body tingling with anticipation. She wanted. Delphine wanted to touch her, and wanted to be touched by Cosima. She’d waited so long, she’d given them so much time, to attempt and heal and figure out how to navigate this space of, them.

The brunette reached up and buried her fingers in Delphine’s hair, pulling her into the kiss as her body arched into Delphine’s as the blonde laid down half on top of her.

“Cosima,” she whispered against her lips, a content sigh leaving her as Cosima parted her legs for her, allowing Delphine to settle against her. She’d missed her. Had missed, this. This kind of intimacy, between them.

It was still strange. How different it was, now. How difficult, compared to the easiness, the lightheartedness before. How she’d treated sex in the past, compared to how she was looking at it, now. It wasn’t this inconsequential act she had pretended it to be any longer. And if Delphine was honest, she didn’t want it to be, either. She wanted it to mean something, especially this, especially here, especially with Cosima. She wanted it to be an intimate union of their bodies, and expression of her feelings for the other woman.

“Cosima,” she murmured and leaned back, searching the brunette’s face before meeting her eyes. “Je t’aime,” she breathed. “Please, let me show you how much I love you.”

Cosima swallowed thickly before she gave a slow nod.

“Okay,” she whispered, brushing her lips over Delphine’s again. “Just… Please know that you don’t have to. I know you love me, you don’t have to use your body to show me.”

“I know,” Delphine replied, a soft smile tugging on her lips as she realized she was telling the truth. “I know I don’t have to. But I want to, Cosima. I want to, so much. I want to touch you, and feel you. Feel all of you,” she told her. “Can I please make love to you?”

Cosima arched up and pulled her into a searing kiss, giving Delphine the answer she’d been hoping for, and the blonde let out a soft laugh of relief, before she sobered again and kissed back, her body melting against Cosima’s.

* * *

“Happy birthday.”

Delphine blinked in surprise at the girl standing in front of her. Charlotte had thrust out her hands, a wrapped present between them. She was looking at the bow on it, watching the light reflect off the ribbon.

“Uh, th-thank you?” Delphine murmured, carefully accepting the present before stepping further into the apartment.

“Hey,” Cosima greeted her with a warm smile and hug. “Happy birthday,” she whispered into her ear before she brushed her lips over Delphine’s and then withdrew again.

Delphine toed off her heels and took off her coat before following Cosima into the living room. She was, exhausted. Work had been all kinds of crazy, there had been three rather difficult parties with a lot of complaints, not all of them reasonable, and she’d been trying to deal with that, figure out solutions to the issues to everyone’s satisfaction.

And it certainly hadn’t helped, that today was her birthday. She would have completely ignored the date, or at least tried to, but Cosima had made it a point that it was an important date and that she should acknowledge it. She’d tried to invite her out, for dinner, but Delphine had known that it would be too much, so they’d compromised to have something kind of fancy, at Cosima’s place.

Only she’d asked for no presents. That was, that was still, too much. Too much acknowledgment. It said too much. A present, for her birthday, that said, ‘I’m paying attention’, it said ‘I’m glad you’re here’, it said ‘I think you deserve this’. Things she still had difficulty to hear, at times, and her birthday certainly was one of those times where drawing attention to the fact that someone cared for her and about her was hard to process and allow.

“I know we said no presents,” Cosima murmured as she took her hand. “But Charlie insisted,” she added. “She picked it out herself. If it’s too much, we can ‘postpone’ opening it, and when she’s in bed, I’ll get rid of it,” the brunette offered.

Delphine startled at the painful stutter her heart gave at the thought. Was surprised by the sudden urge to hug the present to her chest and refuse to give it back. It was hers, after all, and if Charlotte had picked it out for her, it was all the more special.

“Or you can keep it,” Cosima chuckled at her expression, causing Delphine to blush. She hung her head and shifted, giving Cosima’s hand a soft squeeze. The brunette gave her a moment, before she tugged on her hand and pulled Delphine over to the table, where the blonde set down the present.

Apparently, Cosima and Charlotte had made pizza for them. It must have taken a while, given how Charlotte was, with food and touching certain textures.

Looking at the girl’s plate, Delphine bit back a laugh at the sight. Charlotte had peeled off all the toppings off her slice, putting them in separate places on her plate. She seemed kind of happy about it, and looking at Cosima, Delphine only saw her shake her head with some amusement.

“Did you use your fingers?” she asked her, and the girl immediately pulled a face as she shook her head no. “Alright,” Cosima sighed, sitting down with Delphine.

“This looks very nice,” Delphine complimented as she took her fork and knife.

“Cosima said you’d like it,” Charlotte nodded, starting to eat the pieces of bell pepper on her plate. “I want spaghetti for my birthday.”

“Do you now?” Cosima asked with a tilt of her head. Charlotte hummed softly as she nodded, before pausing.

“But only if I don’t have to use sauce,” she added, giving Cosima a suspicious look that made Delphine laugh softly.

“She got you there,” the blonde nodded, knowing how much Charlotte hated the chunky texture of the sauce they usually got, to the point where Cosima put it through the blender before using it now.

“We’ll talk about your birthday dish closer to the actual date, alright?” Cosima said, figuring that Charlotte might change her mind in the time between now and then. Delphine wasn’t so sure she would. Spaghetti had remained a staple, over the months she’d known them, even when Cosima rotated out the other dishes every so often. It was both an attempt to get Charlotte to try new foods, and to make sure she got enough nutrients in her diet and didn’t accidentally get stuck on a particular food and only wanted to eat that. Her routines were important, of course, but having some options was, as well. Especially where food and drinks were concerned. The risk of Charlotte not being comfortable with any options presented to her in an emergency was one they couldn’t take, hence why Cosima always made it a point to get her to have water at least once a day.

Charlotte let out a soft hum and concentrated on her food again, tilting her head between chewing. It made Cosima frown and watch her closely and Delphine reached beneath the table to give her thigh a soft squeeze. She knew that Cosima was worried about Charlotte drifting into obsessive-compulsive territory with her stimming. The head-tilting from side to side while chewing was one of the stims that worried her, as it seemed like it was becoming a ritual. She had some other rituals that were, concerning. Like tapping the sink as she brushed her teeth, or Cosima brushed them for her.

Cosima blinked slowly and then gave a small shake of her head. She smiled at Delphine before returning her attention to her food.

Delphine was ready to get up when they were done and help clear the table, but Charlotte stopped her. Picked up the present and pushed it at her chest.

“You have to open it,” she declared, glowering at Delphine. The blonde swallowed thickly and took the present.

“Charlie,” Cosima cut in, a warning in her voice. “It’s Delphine’s present. She decides when she opens it, alright? Now come on, help me clean this up,” she said as she stood. Charlotte frowned at her, opening her mouth, but Delphine reached out to touch her arm briefly.

“It’s okay. I’ll open it, when we are done, yes?” she told her. “Once we are more, comfortable.”

Charlotte nodded and got up quickly, grabbing her plate to carry it to the kitchen and rinse it before putting it in the dishwasher.

“Hey,” Cosima murmured softly. She reached out and touched Delphine’s shoulder, rubbing her hand over the blonde’s shoulder blade in a soft caress. “Take a break, if you need to. Charlie and I can clean up, go change out of your uniform. If you want, you can run yourself a bath, or take a shower. Whatever you need.”

“Thank you,” Delphine muttered as she stood and leaned in for a quick kiss. She ducked from the room, walking down the hallway and stepping into Cosima’s bedroom, to change out of her work clothes. She took her time, before going into the bathroom and taking off her makeup and washing her face. She felt better, after that. More like herself, at least. For a moment, she contemplated actually running herself a bath, but then decided against it. She’d try that, later, when Charlotte was in bed, and she could ask Cosima to join her. When they could enjoy it, together, and she could bask in the other woman’s closeness.

Upon her return to the living area, she found Charlotte on the floor, Clarke on the girl’s belly, lunching on a salad leaf. Much to Delphine’s surprise, the girl sat up and carefully set the turtle down. Then she got her present again, holding it out to Delphine. The blonde took it, swallowing thickly.

“Thank you,” she murmured as she sat down on the couch. Drew a deep breath and then gave a tug on the ribbon, pulling it off. Charlotte had knelt down on the other side of the coffee table, watching her intently. It, made her nervous. The intensity with which the girl was watching her, taking in her every move.

Delphine slid a nail under the corner of the paper and slowly peeled it away, trying not to rip it too badly. She knew that Charlotte hated that particular sound. Even if she liked crinkling paper up, ripping it made her shudder and she did not enjoy it in the least.

Once she had most of the tape off, she pulled the paper away, leaving her with the contents of the gift itself. There was what seemed to be a picture frame, and a handmade card. Delphine put the frame aside, concentrating on the card first.

It had been cut from cardstock and folded a little crookedly. On the front was a drawing. A woman with dark hair and glasses, a girl with dark hair and a leg brace, and a turtle. Clarke had been drawn almost as big as Charlotte, with careful attention to the details of her shell. Charlotte had put little arrows with their names, pointing at Cosima, Clarke and herself.

Delphine felt her lips tug into a soft smile and opened the card. Inside, there was a huge message wishing her a happy birthday, from Charlotte and Clarke. On the left side was a sticky note with Abby’s handwriting, telling her that Charlotte had chosen to do this for Occupational Therapy today, even cutting the paper herself. It was something she struggled with, holding the scissors, and the sensation of the paper giving way beneath the instrument. Beneath those words, the woman also wished her a happy birthday.

Delphine swallowed thickly, touching her fingers to the letters of her name, written in Charlotte’s wobbly script.

“You haven’t looked at the picture,” Charlotte declared and picked up the frame, placing it in Delphine’s lap. She blinked at the image, her mind searching for when it may have been taken, until she realized that there was part of the Christmas Tree in the lower left corner. She didn’t remember the moment, at all. Of Charlotte and her on the floor, on their bellies, watching Clarke take on her dinner for the night. Cosima must have taken it on her phone, like so many other pictures she had taken and shown Delphine in the past, some of which the blonde had ended up asking her to delete. Not when Charlotte was in them, as well, but when they were images of merely herself in what seemed to Delphine rather vulnerable moments, she found herself sometimes incredibly uncomfortable, knowing such images existed.

“It is,” she started, her voice catching. “It is very beautiful,” she muttered. “This, was a, a very thoughtful gift. Thank you, Charlotte.”

“Can I hug you?” the girl asked and Delphine nodded mutely and felt Charlotte wrap her arms around her in a surprisingly gentle but steady hug. The blonde turned her face into the girl’s hair, clenching her eyes shut as she tried to get a grip on her emotions.

“Happy Birthday,” Charlotte repeated before letting go and bounding back over to the turtle and her snack. Delphine ducked her head, reaching up to wipe at the tears in the corners of her eyes. Cosima sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“You’re okay,” she murmured softly and pressed her lips to Delphine’s temple. “You’re doing really, really well. This, this was all Charlotte. She wanted to do this, for you.”

The blonde couldn’t speak. She just reached up and covered her eyes with her hand, clutching the picture to her chest with the other as she began to cry in earnest.

* * *

“’Sima, ‘sima, ‘sima, ‘sima-”

“Charlotte,” Abby let out a soft sigh and reached over to touch the girl’s thighs as she bounced on the bench. “Charlie, if you keep this up, we will have to leave.”

“Come on,” Delphine murmured and took the girl’s hand, standing up from the bench. “Let’s see if we can find a snack machine. Gummy bears?” she suggested, waiting for Charlotte to stand and pull her down the hall of the court building.

Cosima was currently inside the courtroom, talking to the family court judge. Art Bell, Charlotte’s social worker, had already given his testimony and recommendation that the adoption should go ahead. The judge had also already heard Charlotte’s own testimony, which had been kind of funny. The woman had been a bit confused, by the tangents that the girl had gone on, and had some issues steering her back on track, but she’d been very patient and gentle with her.

Delphine had handed in a written character testimony, as well. So had most of Charlotte’s therapists, detailing the progress the girl had made, after the huge regression that had taken place in the wake of her father’s death. Abby had handed in one, as well, and was here to answer any lingering questions and concern the judge might have left. Anything she might need to have cleared up, before she made the decision of agreeing to the adoption of Charlotte by Cosima.

To Delphine’s relief, they did find a vending machine.

“Okay, what do you want?” she asked the girl as they both stood taking in the selection. “Gummy bears, chocolate peanuts?” she suggested, pointing at the slots. “Chips?” she added when she saw the little bag. “They have salt and vinegar.”

Charlotte’s face lit up at that and Delphine let out a soft laugh at her gleeful expression.

“Alright, chips it is,” she nodded, explaining to Charlotte how the thing worked. She let her put in the number and then feed the machine her bill.

“What do you want?” Charlotte asked her, once she had her chips and Delphine had opened the bag for her.

The blonde let out a soft hum as she tilted her head at the selection, before she decided on the gummy bears. They seemed to be the vegan kind, so Cosima would share them with her. And if not, then Charlotte could have the rest later.

“Delphine?” the girl spoke up as they were making their way back to the courtroom and Abby waiting outside it.

“Yes?”

“Do you think… Can I talk, to the judge again?” Charlotte asked. As Delphine looked over, she saw her brows furrowed as she frowned into her packet of chips.

“Why do you want to talk to her again?” the blonde asked carefully. The girl paused, looking away as her jaw worked. “Charlie?”

“She asked me, if I like how things are. And I told her I do. Only…” she trailed off, pushing out her lower jaw.

“Charlotte?” Delphine asked, crouching down in front of the girl. She looked up at her, searching her face. “If there is something that, upsets you. Something you don’t like, about living with Cosima. You can always tell us. You can tell Cosima. Or me. Or if you don’t think you can, for whatever reason, you can always tell Abby, or your other therapists, or Art. They’re there for you, Charlotte. They are there to help you, help you have what you need. If you feel there is something you need you are not getting from Cosima, you need to tell, someone. Someone on your team,” she tried to explain as her throat constricted, her heart aching.

How had she missed this? How had Cosima and her both missed that there was something Charlotte did not like, that there was something making her uncomfortable?

The girl let out a loud sigh and reached up to run her fingers over her braided hair.

“I don’t like it when you’re gone,” she whispered. “It makes me sad,” she added, her brows dipping. “If I tell the judge, will she make you be with us?” Charlotte asked, meeting Delphine’s eyes for a moment, the hopeful expression in the girl’s stealing her breath away.

Delphine slumped down onto the cold tiles of the court building hallway, quite literally floored. She swallowed thickly and reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Drew a slow breath, in an attempt to tighten her control over her feelings.

“Charlie,” she murmured, reaching out to touch the girl’s hand. “Why didn’t you say…” she began, cutting herself off. Of course Charlotte hadn’t. Neither Cosima, nor Delphine had ever asked her, how her, absences, made the girl feel now, had they? And Charlotte wasn’t the kind of child that would just randomly tell them how she felt. Sometimes it was because she couldn’t put them into words, sometimes it was because she didn’t feel like expressing herself, and sometimes she was completely unable to speak at all. And now Delphine felt that both Cosima and her hadn’t been giving her enough time and space, to express herself and how she felt about things that were going on. And Delphine felt incredibly guilty, that she had caused the girl to be sad yet again, albeit for slightly different reasons.

It wasn’t like she did it on purpose. Staying away, that was. The overwhelming urge to run away, to leave, to just disappear from Cosima’s life and Charlotte’s, to cut off all ties again and start again somewhere else, that wasn’t there any more. Sure, sometimes she still felt, overwhelmed. Trapped, by the immense responsibility that came with being with a woman that took care of a disabled child. Trapped by how important she had become to Charlotte and the girl’s routines. But that was her own issue, nothing that was Charlotte’s fault. Delphine had known, what she was getting herself into. Maybe not the first time, maybe she had underestimated it then. But she had gone into it a second time, had wanted to try again a second time, to make a relationship with Cosima work. And she had known then, what it would mean, what Charlotte’s autism meant, for their relationship and the seriousness of it.

Delphine was still seeing her therapist. She’d had difficulty admitting how much it had helped her at the beginning, and part of her still found herself ashamed that she had needed that much of intensive help. That she still needed help, it wasn’t something she was proud of, but something she could admit to, now. She trusted her therapist, and they were still working on Delphine’s issues, still helping her conquer her own demons. It had gotten a lot easier, but there were still things she struggled with. Cosima was always quick, though, to remind her of her progress, and how far she’d come, when Delphine was doubting herself yet again.

No, these days, her absences were mostly due to her job. When she worked long shifts, she sometimes found it easier, purely based on her energy levels, to return to her own place, and not stop by at Cosima’s. They talked, on the phone, sent texts, sometimes Facetimed. But most of the time, that was between the two of them, only including Charlotte when she asked for it. She could see, now, how that had been selfish and inconsiderate, and she was furious with herself, for not realizing it much sooner.

Delphine swallowed thickly and took Charlotte’s hand.

“I am so, so sorry, Charlie,” she apologized. “I did not think… I am sorry that, me being away, that I hurt you,” she told her. “I promise you, Cosima and I, we will talk. And we will work something out,” she continued as Charlotte searched her face. “Maybe, you and I, we could Facetime, when I don’t come over that day. You know, on the phone, as a video, where we can see each other,” she suggested. “Do you think… Would that, help?”

Charlotte seemed to think, for a moment, before she gave a slow nod.

“Yes,” she answered. She drew her lower lip between her teeth, worrying at it for a moment, before she released it again with a shudder. “Why can’t you live with us?” she asked her suddenly, and Delphine felt her heart constrict.

This they had talked about. Besides the issue of Charlotte being a foster child, and Social Services needing to vet Delphine and do a thorough check on her, if she was living in the same place as the child, there was also the fact that the blonde just wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.

It was a sign of the progress she had made. That the painful ‘never’ had given way to a hopeful ‘not yet’. That the dread that used to fill her at the idea of being responsible for someone else, of meaning so much to another person, had slowly transformed into a speck of joy at the thought.

“Because,” she started, trying to remember how Cosima and her had put it the last time. “Because I’m not well enough yet,” she told Charlotte. “I like you, Charlie. And I love Cosima, very very much. And because I like you both so much, I can’t live with you just yet. I know it’s, difficult to understand,” she sighed and rubbed a hand over her forehead, looking for a way to describe it that the girl would be able to grasp. “It’s like… like, the escalator,” she tried, using an example of something that, for whatever reason, scared Charlotte.

At the mere mention of the thing, the girl grimaced, pulling her hand from Delphine’s grasp to hug herself.

“You know how, Abby and you and Cosima, you’re all working in it being less scary, for you?” Delphine continued. “And maybe, one day, you won’t be scared of it any more. But right now you still are, and that’s okay. This, living with someone, it is, like an escalator, for me. My doctor and I, we are working on it, but just like you, I’m not ready. Not just yet.”

Charlotte tilted her head in thought, mulling what Delphine had said over. She suddenly leaned forward and hugged the blonde, nearly toppling them over. Delphine barely managed to catch herself, before she hugged the girl back, enjoying the contact for a moment.

“It’s okay,” Charlotte said as she leaned back, a serious expression on her face. “Escalator stuff is scary. I’m taking a long time to be ready, too.”

“It is scary,” Delphine agreed, blinking at the tears that were pooling in her eyes. “Alright, now let me get up, and get back to Abby. Maybe Cosima is done talking to the judge, and she’s already made a decision,” she added, slowly getting up off the cold floor and biting back a groan as she stretched her legs. Charlotte held out her hand for her to take and Delphine forced a small smile before she took it. She knew Cosima and her needed to have a long and serious conversation, about what Charlotte had just revealed to her.

* * *

_Epilogue_

The specks of light slowly moved across the ceiling. Delphine closed her eyes, the soft whirring of the disco ball oddly soothing to her.

She heard Cosima inhale deeply and moved her leg so it touched the woman laying on the floor with her.

“I am never, ever moving again. Not for the rest of my life. Ever,” the brunette groaned, prompting Delphine to let out a soft chuckle.

“Of course, my love,” she muttered, feeling her body grow heavy with exhaustion. Maybe laying down had been a mistake. Now she would have to somehow get up again. Well, she would have to first sit up again, and then stand. Her back was aching, and so where her upper arms, and she was pretty sure that her shins were covered in bruises from her repeatedly bumping into furniture and boxes and all kinds of things.

At least Charlotte’s room was basically finished, now. Which certainly couldn’t be said for their bedroom. The bed was still in pieces, the mattress simply plopped on the floor. Delphine was pretty sure that neither Cosima, nor her would have the energy left to even attempt to put the bed together today, so they’d sleep on the mattress on the floor. Lovely.

Cosima let out another groan and Delphine opened her eyes in time to see her roll over onto her side.

“I think I pulled a muscle,” the smaller woman lamented.

“Poor you,” she replied, moving onto her stomach and wincing as the motion made the muscles along her spine scream. Yeah, definitely too much heavy lifting.

“Hey,” Cosima murmured as she scooted over and rested her forehead against Delphine’s shoulder. “I know we’ve been, kind of busy, today, but I haven’t really checked in with you…” she trailed off and lifted her head again to search the blonde’s eyes.

Delphine swallowed and reached out to take her hand. Entwined their fingers carefully, her heart hammering in her chest.

“I’m okay,” she whispered. She was. Bone tired, and bruised, and already feeling the physical effects of moving house, but overall, she felt, alright-ish. And if she needed it, there was a lovely room down the hall she could step into and be left alone. Her own space, should she need it. One that came with a Murphy bed, in case she wanted or needed to be on her own at night.

The room had been a suggestion by her therapist, actually. When Delphine reached the point where she’d wanted to move in with Cosima, but had still felt like giving up the comfort of having her own space to withdraw if things became too much, she’d brought up that a guest bedroom could easily be turned into Delphine’s own space. The same went for an office, converting that might have been more work, but in the end, the result would have been the same: an extra bedroom that she could use if she needed time to herself, to recharge her batteries.

She’d been kind of hesitant, bringing up the idea with Cosima. Hadn’t wanted the brunette to think that it was because she didn’t trust her or didn’t want to fully commit to her. It wasn’t that. It was just, a space to help her, in case she needed it. Where she could withdraw to, if she felt too overwhelmed. To her surprise, Cosima had actually been all for the idea, suddenly saying that they should look for an apartment that would let them include a room like that as a permanent fixture, in addition to an extra guest bedroom. That way, even if they had someone staying with them, they still had the option of using their Sanctuary room, if they felt the need to get away from each other.

Cosima had wholeheartedly supported the idea, especially from a mental and emotional health perspective. Knowing that there was a space either one of them could go, if things became too much between them, that had sounded like a marvelous idea. The only downside would be teaching Charlotte to respect the boundaries of that room. So far, there hadn’t been any for her in the old place. She was allowed in any room at almost any time, unless Cosima or Delphine locked the door behind themselves. The Sanctuary did have a lock, but they’d have to teach Charlotte to not keep trying it or yelling at the door like she had done in the past when she’d found Cosima’s bedroom door locked one night Delphine had stayed over.

The blonde drew a slow breath, trying to push those thoughts aside. Yes, it would be a process, and yes, there was bound to be some frustration. But she was pretty certain that it wasn’t anything they wouldn’t be able to handle. After all, they had come such a long way, the rest, it seemed to her, it could only get easier.

Delphine moved, brushing her lips over the corner of Cosima’s mouth. The brunette let out a happy sigh and tilted her head back, to be able to capture her lips in a soft kiss.

“Alright,” she sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes. “Do you want to check on Clarke, or call Abby and tell her she can bring Charlie over?”

“I’ll take Clarke,” Delphine decided after a moment. After all, it had been her who’d set up the enclosure earlier, it should be her who had to fix it, if it wasn’t working out, too. She pushed herself onto all fours before standing, a groan escaping her. She was definitely getting too old for this.

When she looked down again, she saw Cosima hold up her hands with a puppy expression on them.

“Please?” the brunette pleaded, blinking her eyes, and Delphine let out a soft laugh as she shook her head, warmth spreading through her at Cosima’s responding grin. She shook her head at the brunette but held out her hands regardless, bracing herself as she pulled herself up.

As Cosima stood in front of her, Delphine paused. Reached up, to gently stroke her cheek and take in her face. The brunette stilled, looking up at her as her face softened. Delphine’s eyes darted to the base of her throat, seeing Cosima’s pulse quicken slightly. She gave a minute shake of her head, leaning down for a kiss.

“I love you,” she murmured against Cosima’s lips. She felt the brunette melt against her, her hands settling on Delphine’s hips and pulling her closer. The blonde’s lips tugged into a soft smile as she pressed up against her and hugged her girlfriend, kissing her again and again, happiness and warmth blooming inside her chest.

* * *

_There’s so much here in this closeness  
_ _There’s so much more now between us_

_And how does it feel to be on steady ground?_  
_And how do feel as your heart grows sound?_  
_Cause it’s been a hell of a fight to get here and rise up  
_ _And I’m learning to forgive myself for all the things that I’ve done_

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!


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